Secret

Thirty Two

{edited}

May POV

I open the door to my house. My parents and Sadie are gone for the weekend because of her cheerleading convention shit.

I've been back home for a week. I don't talk to anyone in my house. I just go to my room.

"Sadie is away." I say to Harry who is behind my front door.

"I-I know. I wanted to talk to you." He stammers.

"About?" I ask. My eyes looking away from his.

"Can we just talk inside? Or outside. Whatever you feel comfortable with."

I open the door for him to fit in. Once he's inside I close the door. "If this is you saying sorry, you can leave now." I say before he speaks. His eyes look into mine.

"But-"

"No, I don't care. I don't want to hear your excuses." Harry bites his lip.

"May-"

"What don't you get Harry? I don't care anymore. I always knew at some point the truth about you never liking me will come out a-and I'd end up the broken when while you flaunt y-your new girlfriend."

"That's not true, May. I do care about you."

"No, you don't. I-If you did you would've texted me the next day saying you were just angry and you didn't mean it. And you never did." I feel my chest rise and fall.

"I know." Harry mutters. "But-"

"There is no but." I snap. "You broke up with me, you wanted out, and you got what you wanted."

"That's not what I wanted."

"Then what do you want?"

"You, and I fucked that up royally. And I'm sorry. I don't deserve you. You're better than me and can do better. Way better. And I'm sorry that I didn't treat you good those past couple weeks when we were together. I was trying to sort shit out, a-and I was just confused and frustrated with myself.  And I'm sorry May."

"Frustrated about what?" I pause. "You know, whatever. It's over now."

"Whenever I felt the slightest bit closer to you in a way that I am not used to, I would push you away. That frustrated me because I just wanted us to work out but my own shit was getting in the way."

"Your own shit?"

"Yes," Harry pauses. "You'll think it's stupid." He mutters.

"Just tell me."

"I'm scared to let anyone that close to me again. I already know I'm falling for you May. So fucking hard it hurts. And I'm scared to feel that way again." My eyes stare at him. "Stupid, I know, but I can't help it." He runs his hand through his hair. "I'm just all messed up in the head with the shit that happened with Lily and it affects me everyday day."

"That's not an excuse."

"I know. I don't have one." Harry looks to me. "I just wanted to say sorry."

"Okay." I bite my lip and look away from him. "I'm just saying, if you weren't ready for a relationship you shouldn't have kissed me that day."

"It's not that I'm not ready, May. It's just-"

"Just what?" My eyes widen.

"I don't know how to let go of her." Harry blurts out. I feel my heart pinch. "That's my problem, okay? Maybe if she was still alive, we would break up by now and that would be that. O-or we would still be together--I don't know, and that's what kills me. I don't know. I feel like me moving on is me cheating. I feel like I can't feel connected to anyone like that again because of her. I have no closure in the fact that she's gone. So whenever I feel myself falling for you a bit more I feel guilty, so I push you away." I remain quiet and stare at him.

"It's still not an excuse, I know." Harry runs his hand through his hair. "I just have all these things going through my head of how I don't deserve to be happy because she can't. Because I know I was her first and last love. And I feel like it's fucked up for me to move on. It's so fucking tiring May."

I feel my eyes water.

"What do you want then?" I ask.

"You." I look at his and see they're clouded with tears. "I want you. I want to show you that I can be a good boyfriend and treat you right. I'm not this douche bag w-who fucks up all the time." I bite my lip.

"I gave you too many chances."

"I know. And I don't deserve anymore. I'm a piece of shit." His eyes look back to mine. "But, I'm just so sorry for how I've been acting lately. That wasn't me. I should've asked for a break from our relationship then so I can figure my own shit out. That wasn't fair to you. Not at all."

I take a deep breath. My palms are sweaty. "I don't even know what to think." I murmur.

"Can we start over? We won't be in a relationship. We'll go on proper dates with no rain checks, a-and we'll see how it goes from there. I'll show you I can be the guy you deserve." I lick my lips. "Please?"

"I'll think about it."

"Okay." He smiles gently.

"I'm just glad you didn't bring pity flowers." He itches his head.

"I didn't do that." He laughs.

"You did didn't you?"

"They're in my car." I chuckle. "I didn't know if you thought they were pity flowers or not. I played my cards right. But, um. I'll go now. Give you space." I nod. I move away from the door so he can leave. He gives me one look before leaving.

I have a lot of thinking to do.

A://N

Last update for the day lol

Comment goal: 10??

Tysm for reading :)

~me