crucio ↠ billy hargrove

011

September 1, 1980

Dear Lottie,

I finished my first pack of cigarettes in almost a week. I need to go buy more without my dad knowing about it. He hasn't found out, he thinks he's smoking too much and the stench is wearing on me. The taste of cigarettes was awful at first but the feeling after smoking one has caused me to pick up a second one, and then a third, and now I'm finishing a pack within a week. I wonder how many dad actually goes through in a week, probably two packs. My "stepmom" smokes just as much as him, they were meant for each other. I can sometimes hear them doing it in their room since my room is right next to theirs. Makes me absolutely sick to the stomach. He's been acting like a teenage boy with her. 

I went to register for the school I have to attend here and I had to go with Max since my dad is out and about doing whatever they do. They most likely forgot but it doesn't really matter to me. While I was at registration, someone handed me a sheet and it was an invitation to a party. I've never gone to a party before and I plan on going. It was a party celebrating the end of summer. I wonder how many people will go. 

It won't be so bad, right? It'll bring me out of my emo zone, is that even a thing? I guess now it is. I have to at least make friends while I'm here or I'd rather kill myself. I'm saying this as a joke, I don't actually wanna kill myself, I just sometimes wish I was dead in certain situations. Maybe I'll make a friend and they can show me the ropes of California. Everyone here dresses so differently than in Hawkins. It's like they dress more lively here than there. Is it because we digest so much more sun than there? Probably. I was so pale during the winter there and you were pale almost all the time. You would easily burn here. The sun doesn't play. But yeah, sometimes I wanna die. 

But I wanna find you before I die. I wanna see you smile at me, at least give me a hug. Your hugs made me happy. They gave me meaning to life. Your smile made my cloudy days much brighter. Can I like turn back time and cherish you much more? I miss your laugh and your kind, gentle nature. I remember one time I tried jumping off the swing to show how cool I was, and I ended up falling rather than landing on my feet. That caused me scrap my knee pretty bad and I remember you helping me up and calming me down because it hurt bad. And somehow you had ointment and a bandage in your backpack and you helped me clean up my scrape. Kinda crazy how an 8 year old would have that in their backpack and also be so kind and generous. I really miss you though. It's like a piece of my heart is missing. 

I should have asked you out earlier, now I'm too late. It's too late to ask you out now. I should have married you actually. Okay, I'm joking. But I'm pretty sure in the future I'll be a single alcoholic that will die alone and because everyone hates me. I don't want anyone if I can't have you. I guess I'll conclude this letter with I want you back. Okay, that's about it. I hope you're doing well. I love you.

-with love

-Billy

word count; 615