||~~The Brewer's Girl~~||

👼Disdain👼

☺Chapter 30☺

❤Dedicated to Coffeeholicme11 for I love her way too much for all what she is❤

Aarohi.

I close the door of my hotel room and sigh in relief. Finally the girls are gone and I won't be bombarded with those teasings anymore. These girly teasings are one of those things you go through when you are about to marry. But then marriage is a one time thing and I am somewhere happy that I get teased of my romantic life with my husband to be.

But I also get really sad thinking about how would I ever put the word romantic and us in the same sentence?

We getting intimate is next to impossible if we aren't even friends yet! So I can't really think more of those witty comments by the other girls who tease me because it is as simple as that. Kabir doesn't love me. And he is not going to play the romantic husband and honestly I do not complain too. He needs time to move on and maybe nine months weren't enough for him to do so.

Whatever he is saying or doing, it shows on his face that his mind is elsewhere. Aashna's memories are unable to get out of his head and maybe that's why he is like a zombie these days, participating in all the rituals we did but not really enjoying. I feel so sad seeing him like that. And it makes me sadder that I have this knack in the back of my mind that I am doing something wrong.

But is it wrong to love someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with him? And maybe he will never love me back like I do. But I know that someday he will accept me.

As I stare at my Heena clad hands with his name beautifully adorning the designs drawn on my palms, I feel a sense of belonging to him already. Upon closing my eyes I see his hands with Mehendi too, our engagement ring shining on his long fingers. The way his index finger would scratch on his light growing beard or the way his hand would come up to touch the back of his neck when he was uncomfortable at someone teasing him was a delight to watch for my eyes on our Mehendi function.

His bulging arm muscles was wrapped under a blue full sleeved sherwani on the night of our sangeet. He was looking really dashing with a stud in his left ear. The other day he wore the ochre colored mojri and I couldn't take my eyes off his feet. He always wears a silver watch and a silver ring too. There is something written on it but I was never too quick to read the letters. Whenever he would pull his sleeves, his fair skin at the back of his wrist would become exposed and the hair growth there would show up. My fingers crave to caress and touch his hand.

Yes I do check him out a lot. Why shouldn't I? He is going to be my husband tomorrow. But if all of these things makes me go happy, when I look at his face, my all gleeful moments goes down in flames. His face is devoid of joy, his eyes lying to everyone and hiding his pain, his fake smiles and fisted hands turns my mood off.

It feels like he is helpless or caged by some invisible shackles and he is trying to get rid of them. And it really makes me worried that are we all forcing this marriage on him? It feels like he wants to stay against but he is not able to.

He is a good actor though. He has been fooling everyone. One day when I passed him a smile, he returned the most stunning one. For a moment even I was floored but then I knew it wasn't real. Sometimes I don't even get a smile in return, his gazes are long but he doesn't see me. Its as if I am smiling at him and he is lost somewhere but his eyes are on me. I really fail to understand him at some points but I am trying to be grateful of other things.

Tomorrow is our marriage finally after all the rituals and I miss my parents. I have always chosen love over anything else and I am sure they would be proud of me that I am marrying the man I love. It would be really hard to leave my elder sister and uncle and aunt. But then I will have Kabir's mother to call mine and his dad is the coolest father in law I would have ever got. As for Kabir, there is a long way to go for us to bond over as husband and wife.

My room's telephone rings and I roll my eyes. This is surely my nephew calling from just the adjacent room. He is playing with the damn telephone crazy boy. Ah! I will miss my munchkins the most.

The phone again rings and I pick it up with yet another eye roll.

"Aashu , kya hai baby?"

"Aarohi , Kabir just called into my room by mistake" my sister laughs from the other side and upon hearing this my heart beats quicken. What?

"Didn't you give him your number?" She asks while laughing and I am left flabbergasted. Yes I never did, but I used to call this man every week, didn't he save it? Oh Kabir!

"Di I don't know shayad delete hogaya ho unke pas se." (Maybe it got deleted from his phone)

She still chuckles and I could imagine her shaking her head. I embarrassedly stare at the pillow as I hear her say, "koi na, Maine dediya ab" (doesn't matter now I have given your number to him)

Just at the exact moment my phone rings and my sister chuckles again, she might have heard it ringing too. "Go on, talk to him as his fiancé for the last time. good night"

"Good night di" I smile with a blush and stare at the screen flashing the name I have been dying to see there. It is the first time Kabir is calling me. That is why it was hard for me to believe when di told me he was trying to reach me.

I wish for my heart rate to calm down before I pick up the phone. Afraid that he would cut the call on not getting any response, I swipe right.

"Hello" my eyes roll sideways as I utter in a tender singsong voice.

"Hey, Aarohi?" His voice comes over the phone, dry. And I wonder if he is going to talk tonight or I would have to fill that need to talk tonight too.

"Yes Kabir?" I wonder why he called. Isn't he supposed to be in that so called Bachelor's party for which more than the groom, my jiju was excited. I have a hard time laughing when I imagine jiju standing like a mouse in front of my sister tomorrow morning.

"Are you available to meet me?"

He asks and I am surprised that he wants to see me.

"Now?"

"Yes"

"I don't know, where are you? Not in the party?"

I ask him twitching my mouth. Good that he isn't in the party, atleast he won't he ruining others mood by sitting like a devdas there.

"I actually wanted to talk to you Aarohi ...." I frown as I hear some shuffling and a crack of a broken glass. "I'm sorry" I hear him mutter an apology to someone.

"Sir do you need help getting back in your room?" I hear another young male ask Kabir. Maybe he is a waiter. Or a bellboy.

"Nope" kabir pops the P and my mouth opens up in my patent thinking face.

"It was an accident, I wasn't looking. I'll be fine."

Its then I realize his voice is slurry and maybe he is a little drunk.

"Can we meet Aarohi?" He asks me again and I sigh.

"Kabir why don't we talk over the phone now, and while we talk you will also reach your room?" I chew on my lips, laying in the bed. "Nobody is with you right?"

"Nobody stays" he replies in a pained voice and I hear something break inside me at that moment. He is back to being a lonely little boy that I sometimes see or hear in the smallest of things he does or say.

"I am here to stay Kabir." I wait for him to say something with bated breath. I am actually feeling good not just for the fact that he called me for the first time but also because he chose me to talk for whatever reason.

"Why?" He whispers and my fingers stop picking on the loose yarn on my kurti.

"Kabir, start walking back to your room."

I remind him.

"Why Aarohi? Why are you here to stay? Why do you want to marry me?" He asks again and for a moment I hold my breath to not let him hear my heavy breathing.

"Because I want to and it just feels right."

I tell him and there is a silence on the other side.

"Are you sure about what are you getting yourself into Aarohi? Tomorrow is our marriage, this is your last chance, I am asking you if in any way this is forced, I want you to back off" I scowl at his words. Okay, maybe so generous of you Kabir to ask this but doesn't he realize I am telling him the truth when I say I am here to stay!

Why is he always so blind towards what I feel?

"Look Kabir if I ever wanted to deny, I would have done it already. Now will you stop pushing me to call it off? Why don't you do it then huh?" I counter questions him and close my eyes to get myself calmed down.

"I don't know" he whispers in a sick way and I again feel the lack of direction in his life. I sigh.

"But I know that I want this Kabir. And maybe one day you would realize this too, that what we're doing is right"

"How are you so sure about it is out of my territory of thinking." He says and then coughs twice followed by a long sigh.

A small smile threatens to grace my lips as I ponder more on my inner thoughts. I don't know when did this happen but since a while I've been thinking I would love this man forever.

I didn't fall, I knew.

Falling leaves you broken.

Knowing walks you home.

I realize I have zoned out again. But his breathing tells me he is still on the line.

"Have you reached your room?"

"Yes, almost thereeee" he replies and I shake my head catching his instant glint of lie. "Walk Kabir!"

He inhales soundly and then exhales, "okay"

"Kabir how drunk are you?"

"ver...ry i guess"

"Drunk enough to not remember what I say, next morning?" I hold my breathe waiting for his response but he takes time.

"Yes"

"Okay, I want you to know this Kabir,"

I prepare myself to tell him what I have been wanting to tell him since a long time.

"Know what?" he asks, curiosity evident in his voice. Tomorrow I am going to marry this man and just for my inner satisfaction I need to tell him this.

"Know that I love you and that I am marrying you because I want to be with you. This is my choice and nobody can alter this. I am happy marrying you and I want to be beside you forever." I speak very clearly to him but I am confused myself. I want him to remember me telling him the truth but I also want him to not remember this next morning. I do not want him to take pity on me and think that if he didn't got love he would marry me off because then I would have got my love.

I want him to think I am marrying because of I was supposed to marry him. I want him to take it as an arranged marriage and that's all. I am not trying to take anyone's place here.

After a minute of no response I make sure he is still there "Kabir?"

"I have reached my room, see you tomorrow" his voice comes hoarse on the phone and then I hear the beep of the line going off. He hung up.

I sigh rolling my phone in the hand and turning on my stomach as I cris cross my legs. The nervousness for tomorrow's wedding kicks in finally. I am going to be the center of all attention along with Kabir and I hope all goes well.

Aashna.

It's raining outside and I can hear sharp water droplets hitting on my balcony door. Any other day I would have stepped out to feel the freshness if morning rainfall brings but I have to complete my task of unpacking and clearing all this mess.

I play the song Kuch Kum on a low volume to get me a nice feeling in the background. But who am I kidding? These days I don't really listen to songs. I need them playing in the background but I don't pay attention to any of the lyrics.

Like these things there has been a lot of change in me and who is to be blamed? I am responsible for my own actions.

We have shifted to our new apartment in Pune. Yash had insisted that we take the same one once I lived in and spent a memorable month with Kabir. But living there would mean facing my guilt everyday. Plus the flat wasn't enough for all of us. So it has been more than a week we're here and still there are a few boxes I need to get emptied.

I smile as I take out a photo frame of our family of four. I really love my family a lot. They stood with me in my every bad and never left my side. I smile at Kukkie's sweet face where she is smiling her full lip smile. She is working hard these days at her office from early morning to late evenings. But she is a dedicated engineer.

My eyes proudly caress the sight of my mum and dad in the photo and I wipe away some dust from the frame. Dad is having a hard time to convince me to marry, but mom knows better. Kabir was only a friend of mine in dad's eye but I couldn't hide from mom that I have given my heart to him. She is always worried about me.

To give them a break from seeing my pitiful state, I sent them to watch a good movie together and to visit the temple of Dagru Seth. So right now I am alone sitting on the floor with all those boxes still left for me to unpack.

Yash said he would drop by and help me, but it would still take him half an hour to reach my place.

One by one I unpack small showpieces and flowers to set them at right places in the shelves.

I smile sadly at the turn of events. If all were right with me, maybe Kabir and me would have been married by now and I would be doing this unpacking at his home. How happy would we be! Sharing a room, telling each other about our days, cuddling to sleep and feeling all the love for the rest of our lives.

But not all things good were meant to be for me. I have no idea about his life right now. Though I knew he got engaged to Aarohi and went away to Dublin and told the whole tale to Lily.

Still I love the fact that this didn't affected my friendship with her and it was sweet of them to come and see me.

At the beginning I didn't really like Aarohi but there is something in her that saves a person drowning. And she literally saved me that day when I was so lost to not actually realize I was about to lose my life. She had yelled at me that day saying I should value atleast the pain of my mother who carried me all of those nine months. She had said how could I even think of ending my life, didn't I think of those hardships of parenting my mom and dad went through? She was right, I was wronging my parents by taking those actions.

But it was the next thing that she said hurt me a lot. After that I ran back to my home and even after her repeated knocks at my door I didn't see her.

Her words were like salt in my wounds, cutting deep and painfully weakening me more.

She had said to raise a child, a mother bears all the pain for it and what was I going to give her in return? As if her hardships weren't worth.

Then she said how would I come to know about a mother's pain!

I agree she certainly said it in a fit to push some sense in me but those words hit me hard. I wanted to yell back that yes I will never be able to know about the pain a mother goes through because I can never be one.

I was diagnosed with Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and that left me broken. It is painful to know one can never be able to give birth to a baby. So of course I will never know a pain of giving birth to a child, but I know the pain of not being able to do so.

I love kids and more than me it is Kabir who loves them. And knowing that I will never be able to give him that happiness is eating me inside out. I was so afraid not only that I won't have a baby but because Kabir will not accept me for who I am. I know he loves me and even if something lacks he still would wanna stay but he doesn't deserve it. I can't do this to him, specially when all he dreams of is being a dad.

Can love conquer all indeed? How can someone love me? After all I have is a baggage like you wouldn't believe and I am not whole or complete. I am plain empty inside.

What I have has no cure.

And apparently, this heartache I go through after breaking his heart has no cure either.

I feel myself shiver as the warm tears slip by. I don't know why when I have worked so hard to keep my emotions in check, I start crying out of nowhere. I wipe away my tears, my palm sliding down my throat to my neck, craving a metallic touch that always calms my hyperventilation. But then I remember I am not wearing the locket I used to. I had kept it in some cardboard box when I saw Lily and Vladimir arriving.

"It must be somewhere here" I murmur frowning at all the mess around me and try finding it. As I clear out all the clutter on the floor, a purple envelop falls off. It seems unknown to me, I don't remember keeping it.

I turn it around and recognize it as the wedding invitation card. What is this doing here when it is supposed to be in a recycle bin. I am about to put it away but then I subconsciously read a name that halts my hand. Kabir? Is Kabir written on it?

To make sure I clean my glasses twice before reading it again.

Kabir weds Aarohi.

Those words written inside an artistically drawn heart in the wedding card takes my breath away. As much as it hurts me badly to think about them marrying, I can't deny that I find both their names perfect for each other. I knew it was going to happen one day, I have heard mumma and Kukkie whispering something about marriage functions at Kapoor's. They didn't speak in front of me but I suspected already about their topic of conversation.

Its so strange one day I had dreamed of having a card as beautiful as this for mine and Kabir's marriage. And now I am holding one of his marriage.

The only difference, its not me but Aarohi. I like the girl no doubt, maybe this was meant to be. She was destined to become his wife and spend the rest of her life with him.

And I was destined to be lonely forever with my ill fate.

My eyes tear up and I bit on my upper lip to stop the moans of disdain.

As I open the card my fingers search for the day and date and my heart explodes with sadness upon finding he is going to marry her today.

I can't help it, tears give way rolling down warm on my skin and I touch my chest to stop the pain. How did this card reach me at all, Lily won't do such a thing.

I knew, I felt his presence outside my house that day. He was there. He didn't meet me, maybe he didn't wanted to see me again.

But he also took away the one thing I had of him. He took away the the locket that he gave me, the small metallic thing that I relied on to feel peaceful. He must have left the card too. What is he trying to do? Hurt me back by letting me know he is marrying?

Congrats Kabir, it does hurt. It hurt a lot!

I cry bitterly, hugging the wedding card close to my heart. As I try stifling my weakened wails, my breathing becomes harsh. I brought this on myself. I deserved this.

"Aashna?" I hear Yash's voice and look up to find him coming inside with some stuff.

"Yash" my broken voice might have caught his attention because the very next second I see him putting away all those market bags and rush to my side.

"What's wrong Aashna?" He pushes my hairs back and holds me. I shove the card in his hands, crying more. I have always been like this. If someone shows care while I am crying , I start crying even more. His eyes scan over the card and he takes me in his arms while I cry resting my head on his shoulders.

"Kabir's marrying, I am sorry Yash, I couldn't help it" I mumble between my sobs. Knowing that he was there that day, triggered a bunch of memories I have locked up since a while.

"Its ok, calm down" Yash rubs my back and I glance on the wall clock from my clouded vision. While I sit crying here, Kabir and Aarohi might be married by now.

Is he doing this all with his will? Has he moved on over me? Is he happy?

I hope he is really happy doing this. I have already ruined his life and I just wish Aarohi heals those wounds I gave him.

Kabir.

I don't really know what I am doing god! But I pray that something good will come out of my marriage with Aarohi.

I feel uneasy on the inside, as I sit eyes closed among so many voices buzzing around me. A sudden nervousness begins to build inside me and that's when a soft hand holds my hand. I open my eyes and stare at our entwined hands. My eyes meet her love filled eyes for a moment, her eyes plead me silently to not look at her, as if she is fighting herself to break our eye contact.

But the fire around where we are sitting is throwing a divine glow at her face and I am unable to take my eyes off her. Its as if I am searching my love inside her but I can't find it. Because she is not Aashna.

She is Aarohi, the one who loves me but I would never be able to love her back. She told me last night and i remember it well.

It is so evident in her eyes how positive she is about marrying me and she is trying to make me believe in the same.

Her eyes lowers with a shy grace of a new bride and I avert my eyes back to the fire burning ahead. My aunt ties the long cloth over our joined hands and I feel Aarohi give my hand a little squeeze. I am actually appalled that someone really loves me. After what Aashna did to me I had stopped believing that someone would ever love me. There was always a fear of rejection and here this girl is accepting me as her husband.

My mother keeps her hand on my shoulder and smiles at me proudly. I stand up on my feet and soon Aarohi too stands up with the help of her sister. She is but obvious looking gorgeous in her bridal attire.

I remember my mother telling me the night before how every girl dreams of becoming the bride and I have seen it all in Aarohi's eyes.

Even after knowing that I am not fully into this bond, she is encouraging me to take part and experience what is going on. Because marriage is a one time thing.

She crosses me, not meeting my eyes and I let her pass and lead the way to walk ahead of me.

I feel a pang of guilt taking these 7 oaths of marriage. We start to walk around the fire with each verse and my heart is bearing all the bombarding frequencies. This heaviness is too much for me. Am I not wronging all of us and this pious relation called marriage if my heart is not wholesomely into it?

After four circles, she stops and I am to supposed to lead the way for her. She raises her eyes to meet with mine. All of them wait for me to step forward. Here is this sick unsure feeling again splashing over me like a glass of cold water.

After this, we would become one. As man and wife.

Do I want this?

Do you guys think Kabir is going to stop the marriage? Will he go back to Aashna or give in to his alliance with Aarohi?
Tell me your thoughts in the comments!!

Note: I am buried under too many assignments already, still managed to update coz 3K! !!!!!!!!!

Woohooo 💃congratulations to all of us, each of you forms a big part of these 3K reads. Thank you so much for your love and support so far.

While I go back and bury myself with assignments, will you guys wait for me patiently till 10th of February? Cuz its only then I would be able to resume writing ❤
There I gave you the longest update I ever did and I hope this one answered all your questions about Aashna.

Do leave votes and comments.

Love always,
Sue 💙