Jay Rose

Chapter 47: try no more

I thought it was getting better, it didn't. My subconscious was eating my alive. You know the feeling you have when you just know that nothing is alright in your life. It drives you crazy because you don't know what the wrong thing is. You can't put your finger on what's bothering you, so you just sit there dreaming about being happy.

What's worse than overthinking? Panic attacks because of overthinking.

Never have I ever gotten a panic attack but it all started because of them.

People may see me as the friend that wants to do problems even though everyone is good and the whole situation has been closed. What comes after the situation is worse that the situation itself. Seeing them every time together alone and not knowing whether they are doing something or not. Catching them glancing at each other when we were all gathered. Little things that make me think a lot over and over again. I can't really tell them because in the end it's my problem, they won't stop being bestfriends, they can't really try to make me believe that there's really nothing between than more than bestfriends, it's going to be a losing battle if I asked them about anything.

Little think that make me really think hard. Like seeing him not responding to my messages when he's online and see that she's online too. And that one time when It may have got weird to me.

"Guys I'm so bored." Nat said on the conference call with the girls.

"Nat Shut the hell up." Alexis responded

"What now?" Nat asked.

"Oh you forgot?"

"What happened girls?" Kylie asked.

"It was yesterday at night and I was really fucking bored and I called Nat because all of you were asleep and then mid call he told that Louis has came out of shower and that she'll close with me to call him and left me bored alone." Alexis said.

"That was nice of you Nathalie." Kylie answered.

"It wasn't like that, louis and I were in a call and then he left to take a shower and Alexis called and I spent with her sometime until he got out. Stop being dramatic Alexis." Nathalie explained.

"Yeah sure thing."

"So Lana, how are things between you both?"

"Good, good." I answered. Our conversation it kind of bipolar for both of us. Sometime he gets angry out of nothing and start a fight and other times I be overthinking and treat him bad, other times pretty good.

"One time his mother wanted to take me with them but I wasn't available and she told him that she really loves me, good thing I guess." I said to them.

"Your mother in law loves you, that's really good." Kylie joked.

"There was this time louis and I were on the phone and then she heard us talking and told him to kiss me for her." Because of course it's Nathalie.

"Mom wants me, I'll go guys bye." I said and closed the line.

There's the thing, what I really feel and I honestly I feel bad that I think about my bestfriend that why, but that's what happening and I couldn't ignore it. The feeling of her trying to make me feel like we are not in a relationship or we're just friends. And here I am thinking that everything she needs to get credit for.

In a way I feel sad that she's been my bestfriend for 13 years and now I feel like we don't know each other very well, not supporting each other like before and that honesty that we had is not disappeared.

They say a friendship that lasts more than seven years, is likely to last a life time. Now I couldn't agree on that.

A friendship that is not based on gossip and talking about people and may be talking about each other is not a friendship that may last a lot. Sadly, I don't feel the support I need from this group.