I thought as we go on we will apparently grow and so we will finally communicate like grown ups in order to continue, but it did really change.......just to the worse.
Our problems got to the point where we find it really normal as a routine. We find it extremely weird when we do talk like normal human beings. Everything was so overwhelming for me and for us.
At first I suffered from just having to overthink about the fact that if there is things between Nathalie and Louis. Then after I knew, I began to overthink if things between them changed or not. Then I began to question myself if him and I can continue this or our journey with each other just came to an end.
It's hard when you want to put all your effort in continuing what you have with someone else, but you see no effort coming from them. You feel useless at some point. The blame will eventually come back to you if you did no such thing about it, and the problems will continue to grow.
What hurts the most is the what ifs that you always think about when you're sitting in bed thinking about the million scenarios that both of you could do together and imagine how happy both of you will be. No problems, no overthinking, just showering each other with love and all. Sadly, the I love yous no longer mean anything if someone lost hope in the other. The true meaning and the spark it radiates will disappear when you see that the end is near, when you feel like the other one is done with nothing but you, and it hurts so bad. Because when the feeling of commitment is no longer be present, then so is love.
People think that relationships are all based on fun and laughs and the funny jokes. Truth is it's the complete opposite. It's all based on commitment from both partners to swear on loving each other till the very end. To swear that even if they got separated today, they'll always find there way back together one day, and everything will turn back once again. People began to quit with an excuse of "the spark has gone" but I don't think it works like that. The spark will never be gone if the relationship was all based on real.
"Louis, we need to talk." With a sharp voice on the phone I said.
"Yes lou." He answered.
"Are you happy with all of this?" I asked.
"Mind to elaborate?" He responded and I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to express everything.
"With us Louis. Everything happening. Us not standing one another, constant arguing over every shit. I know that we never been like that. I am really trying to to change what is happening but I really can't."
"Yeah you should start by not overthinking." He said and I raised a brow.
"You think that I am the problem Louis? You really think that?"
"I did not say that."
"Then what did you say?" And my nervousness began to hit me, but for my sake I tried so hard not to explode.
"I said that by you getting jealous over anyone, and thinking about the past and making up scenarios, of course we won't be happy. Simple as that."
And here goes the things that I tried so hard not to say, neither will I say it now. Louis has no idea that what him and Nathalie in the past will forever haunt me in the future. The problem is that I get my jealousy from the close people and not the far ones, all thanks to him. I once did overthink about them and I was right. Even if I broke up with Louis, the idea of anyone else will still be the same for me. My trust to anyone was broken by a teenage boy thinking that he had done nothing not realizing that he's building up feelings to another person, by destroying me. With Louis or another, I am afraid that stealing their attention will once affect things between us. The thought of having someone else better will always going to be my fear because lots of 'trust me' will never solve a thing for me. He will never understand that I will keep on and thinking why wasn't I good enough in the first place? He will just think that I only want him for me and my jealousy will continue on growing, but truthfully I got broken once, I don't want that again. He will blame me, but he will never understand that he is the problem from the very start.
"I can't keep on changing myself and doing effort when I see nothing coming from you. It's both of us, not me only." I replied.
"And what shall I do?" He said aggressively.
"Maybe we should end things...for our happiness at least."
"Yeah." He whispered. And tears started to spread again.
Because it took two seconds for him not to even fight for me, but to lose me in a blink. I knew that if he just told me not to end it I will stick by him till forever, but he didn't and god I wish he did.
After ending the call promising of being best friends like before, everything turned to a blur for me. Was I that stupid not realizing that he want nothing to do with me?
*so what are you doing now?*-louis
*nothing, you?*-lana
*thinking about us.*-louis
*what about us?*-lana
*i cried afterwards, I don't want to lose you. You know that right?*-louis
* I don't want to lose you too. Trust me I didn't want that to end.i wanted us to continue, but you just want nothing to do with it.*-lana
*no, it's not like that. It's just that we weren't happy. I want happiness all for you that's all.*-louis
Because that's all with me and Louis. After two hours of crying and all about deserving better, we were back together, promising that we will keep trying all our lives for us. I was so happy in that moment that we were back, and also so ready to do all the effort I could exert without him doing a thing, and I was okay with that.
I got lost in him, and it was the kind of lost that felt exactly like being found.
YOU ARE READING
Jay Rose
RomanceWhen it's the last few years in high school, and you thought that everything is finally being settled out, turns out nothing will stay the same. Who knew a birthday party could change a life so much? And who would ever think that a best friend for 1...
