Jay Rose

Chapter 49: why are we in pain?

The days passed by with me laying on my bed starring at the ceiling not responding to any text messages from my friends. It's good to be in the dark for a couple of hours or maybe a day. No one knows anything about you and it's just you and the world without anyone in it. Your choice to make and your choice to end things and start something new. Because I always feel that depending your happiness on people will always let you down, real and true friends are very hard to find nowadays that I'm starting to question myself do I really have a bestfriend? Or it's just a label and nothing else. Can I relay on someone when I am down? Can I tell someone all my secrets? Sadly, I don't know the answer. I am the type of person who loves to talk about my problems to hear advices from my friends, but I feel like I can't do that anymore. I can't tell them anything. Not about the trust, it's about the fear of depending so much on them that I tell them every piece of information about my life and maybe someday we won't be like that anymore. The fear of losing a person that once Carried a lot of information about me.

I began to not answer a lot of texts not up for people and their chitchatting. Louis tried to ask about what happened the day I fainted, but I didn't give that to him. Here's the thing, he wants to have everyone on his side and no problems with anyone, little did he know that by hiding things so he won't lose anyone, will make him lose everyone even me. He wants to be on good terms with Nathalie after everything that has happened with us together, even doing things infront of me. He knows damn well that I won't ever ask him if they do things again because he will immediately tell Nathalie and I will turn out to be the bad guy in the end. I won't give that to him. But also I refuse to stay silent all the damn time. When you are so In love that you accept their hurt and everything they've done, that's when you know you're fucked.

Over the days there's been a division occurring in the group, Nathalie and Alexis on a side, Kylie and I on the other.

"Something is definitely wrong." Kylie said.

"I have no idea honestly." I replied.

"What should we do?" She asked.

"Maybe that's what she wants, to be away from us maybe? Look Kylie I am really tired of putting things in place when it's not even my responsibility to do it. I'm tired of thinking all the damn time of people who I question myself everyday if they'll do the same for me and really after what happened I don't know shit anymore. I have millions of questions in my mind left unanswered but still I manage everyday to put a fake smile on my face to continue the fucking day with all the shit I face, and I cycle goes one till the week ends. I just want to leave things and see what happens in the end because honestly it's not my job to put things together when I am the one who's suffering from it all." I said with tears.

"I'm so sorry for everything lou, I really am."

"We can go talk to Alexis about it." I replied. I'm tired of people saying sorry when I feel that they are saying it out of nothing, emptiness.

"Let's do it now."

We called Alexis and put it in the call so we can all talk and sort the shit out.

"Hey Alexis."

"Hey guys. What's up?" Everything is up.

"We just wanted to ask what the hell is going on?" A very aggressive Kylie said.

"Going On with what?" Oh please.

"With everything Alexis, don't play us."Kylie replied and I stood silent.

"Look guys I don't know anything, you should talk to Nathalie."

"She's the one not talking to us." I finally spoke. "Look Alexis we pass each other, the four of us in the hallways without a fucking word when all the damn time we are together and now she's the one talking to us and we don't know why. Nothing happened and literally she could've just talked to us at any moment even when I was laying on the ground."