Jay Rose

Chapter 69: love is a lie

It's the phase where you wish you just don't want to continue your life anymore, for me it wasn't just a phase, it was a whole living normal routine. To all the girls been dating but so much daydreaming about how awesome will it be if everything changed. Serious parts of a relationship for a girl she always look up to. Some see that jealousy means having no trust, and for girls who complain about not being free in a relationship deep down they know that those jealous moments means that actually the other person cares.

I've always dreamt like any other girl, about the needs for this perfect relationship that I'm sure I'll never find nor will I find that guy in here. I always thought that when I finally go away I will be able just to get some me time, and then i could think about meeting a boy. What's harder is that not knowing when I will finally get to go away, in a time when no one knows and to a place where nobody knows me.

Because we always dream of changing the entire world, but sometimes changing a single soul is enough, inside every human there is a world. I could say that everyone around needed to change their souls, but maybe I wasn't fit enough to see that their souls may be actually perfect? The saddest part is that I really wanted something to hold me on and let me stay in here, but there isn't a single person who can do that, and for that I needed to forget.

How many times should a person say 'I'm fine' when really they're thousands of people dying for the inside when they're saying these words. How many times should a person just throw on a smile in order to continue the day without anyone noticing how breakable they are. They are afraid of talking to people about it because it whats breaks them the most. Telling someone your weaknesses is like giving them a weapon and telling them not to kill you. In my life, I learnt that no matter how people think they know me, they actually don't. As far as they know it's nothing from the real thing. It's so much better that way.

It gets to a point where you realize you got no one to talk to about the things that hurt you the most. Anna got enough of me talking about it even though she didn't say anything, Not trusting Caleb enough not to tell, and certainly not anyone else.

*hows everything?*-Caleb

*good*-lana

*sure?*-Caleb

*just random shit going on.*-lana.

I began to think why not tell him about Louis and I. The problem was that I knew louis didn't want to tell anyone about us in the time being, I never understood why, but I was tired enough of keeping it from my closest friends,

*go on say it.*- Caleb

*okay here it goes, you need to promise just not to tell anyone about this. Got it?*-lana

*yes go on.*-Caleb

*louis and I are back together.*-lana

*really? I thought you ended things with him.*-Caleb

* I did after what happened but then we talked again and it we got back.*-lana

*youre happy right?*-Caleb

*yeah everything's good between us.*-lana

*good, that's great.*-Caleb

I decided not to tell Caleb about anything that goes on my mind about Nathalie because it really felt good talking about it without saying all the negative problems between Louis and I.

I knew I will never get that perfect relationship with Louis, but to me he was perfect. He was so perfect if his own possible way, that I never would fall in love with someone like that, or ever will. He was so charming yet got his control in everything. He wasn't the type of boy who would make their girls life a hell, but he certainly had that control that made me get loose but still know my limits. Gets jealous easily, but makes me know that it's the kind of love he gots for me. It was perfect, beside any other overthinking, the boy was just perfect. Currently we stopped fighting for a while and I was really thankful for that progress, but I guess I spoke too soon.

*what the hell did you do?!!*-louis

*what?*-lana

*you told Caleb about us?*-louis

*who told you that?*-lana

*he told me, who else. Why are you doing shits like that lana? Just why?!!*-Caleb

Despite me telling Caleb not to tell anyone, it still didn't work. I knew how freaked out Louis would get if he knew something like that even though I don't know the reason yet. I just wished Caleb wouldn't do such thing again after what happened with Zac. I just wished he kept his words.

*im so sorry really, he's my bestfriend louis, I felt awful not to tell him I really wanted to talk.*-lana

*im so tired of telling you million times not to fucking tell a person yet here you go and just do random shit from your mind. Caleb came and told me not to hurt and who the hell he think he is for telling me that?*-Caleb

It was cute of Caleb going on and telling Louis and I knew it came out of worry about me, but I wish he wouldn't involve himself again in those situations. After all, I am the one who gets hurt from things that Louis says.

*look I'm sorry I really wanted to talk to someone. I didn't mean it that way trust me!*-lana

*just go.*-Louis.   

It was as if he meant because after that, Louis had stopped answering any of my texts. I really began to think that we will be okay very soon but I guess I was wrong. I just wanted everything to be perfect with him because I felt that he deserves that, except that I began to forget what I truly deserve. I wanted to continue my journey with him because never will I think about replacing him with anyone. Falling for him wasn't actually falling at all. It was walking into a house and suddenly knowing you were home. I would truly understand if Louis decided to give up on me. He dealt with my shit for so long, I knew I would give up on me too. But he's the only one who makes my life better just by being in it. And if I was sure that Louis and I will continue forever, I would never thought about leaving. For now, I will always think about it and never will I not. The thought of him forgetting my name in five years breaks my heart knowing I will never do the same.

After all, love is a lie.