lost innocence

opening her pains for repair

Shiv's pov-
I was so confused with her behaviour.i mean few seconds ago she was laughing her heart out.she was enjoying our intimacy.then what made her upset suddenly?I think it's time to talk to her heart to heart.i need to broke her silence.her silence is the biggest problem for her health.she need to open up about her feelings.i know it's not easy for us. neither me nor she see each other broken.but I had to do this.I know after this she would have panick attack,she could be faint.i am scared but today I have to be strong because after this she would be again my childish,jhalli and khidki tod annika.
I changed rapidly and went out for finding her.i found her everywhere but I couldn't find her.i was so worried.i was cursing myself for her condition but suddenly i spotted her in beach.she was sitting there hugging her knees.i can surely say she is crying.my heart ached at the thought of her crying.how will I make her open up her heart out?I stepped towards her slowly.i went to her and sat in front of her.she sensed me changed her direction while wiping her tears off.is this for real?She is hiding her pain from me.this made me realize that how much she loves me?
Me-annika,I called her softly.she turns towards me.
Anni-i am sorry shivaay.i spoiled our moment.she said looking down.
Is she really thinks that I just want to be intimate with her?Or is she too innocent for considering me her lifespoiler?
Me-its ok.it happens.
Anni-thanks for understanding me.
Oh,I should thankful to god that he gifted me best ever gift.Annika.
We stayed there silence was spreading everywhere but something was screaming,crying and arguing.our hearts.
After gathering courage,I asked her something.
Me-annika,are you ok?
Anni-hmm,she came out from her heart battle.yes,I..Am fine.
Me-so,
Anni-so,she repeated me keenly.
Me-what has happened with you suddenly when we were in my room?
Her tears again made their way.my heart pierced seeing her like this.
Anni-i forgot that I have some urgent work.i'll talk you later.she tried to ignore my question and started to leave but I hold her wrist.she turned and plead through her eyes.but I also nodded in no.
She knew,if she stayed here she will not be able to control her pain.
I too stood in front of her.
Me-i am sorry.
Anni-its ok.
Me-annika,I want you talk to me.
Anni-shivaay,please don't force me to say something which made you upset.
Me-i am ready.
Anni-leave it.
Me-no,we should discuss about this.
My sentence made her furious.she snatched her hand from me harshly.
Anni-you want to listen na.then listen.she shouted on me.made me shiver.
"You broke my trust.tell me one thing.am I human or not?You guys thinks me a doll, whenever you want you love me and whenever you want,you threw me.for god sake I am tired of fighting with my emotions.may be no one values my emotions.but I value my emotions.it hurts alot."she said angrily while her tears were not taking name to stop.i was standing there listening her pain.i was also in vulnerable state but I don't want her to see me in vulnerable state.
Me-annika,that day…..
Anni-shivaay,it's ok.i  know you were not at fault.you did this for your family.but don't you trust me?
Me-i do trust on you even more than me.
Anni-lie,you are lying.if you trust me so you should have come to me.we will handle it together.but no,you are the great wall of sso.how can you ask help from anyone?
Me-that time my mind was not working properly.i am sorry.
Anni-yes,your sorry will repair everything.my life,my smile.everything.she said sarcastically.
Me-we can try again.i stammered.
Anni-i can't shivaay,I can't .I want to forgive you and live with you like before.but I can't.she said showing her vulnerability.
Me-why can't you?Tell me annika.You didn't believe yet that I am saying truth.i was helpless that time.
Anni-and now I am helpless against my heart and mind.i scared to come close to you.what if you again left me alone.you were my habit shivaay.my mornings start with you and day ends with you.my everything connects me with you.in these 4 months I tried hard to forget you but I can't.i can't go away from you because of my love but I can't came close to you because of my fear.fear of losing you again.

I was hearing her silently.we were crying badly.finally she opens up about her pain.I hugged her tightly.she too reciprocate my hug and we cried our heart out.
Me-i am sorry annika just give me a chance trust I will repair everything but for that I need you.my lifeline.will you?
Anni-i am with you always.but please change me.i don't want to be like this shivaay.i don't want to be vulnerable.
I will change everything.thats my promise annika.