Love is Illogical ; Spock

Chapter 62

"So," Bones began, walking back into the small private room with an iv in tow and a look on his face I can't quite read. "You've had an interesting couple of hours."
"Refrain, please." I grumble, brushing stray hairs out of my face and he gives me a weak smile. I used to have such neat hair, always so tidy, until this sickness... well I suppose, this child came along and decided to completely ravage my body. I wonder if my brother or I had ever caused my mother this trouble when she was pregnant with us. I wonder if my sister in law had been like this when they'd had my nephew. My mother and I would never talk about things like this and the rest of my family had died with the planet. Everything that happened to me lately seemed to be some kind of twisted reminder of that.

"Where's Spock?" Leonard asked me, pausing at the environmental controls of the room and cranking the temperature to one I'm sure was borderline uncomfortable for him, but then I was the patient after all.
"Getting me some water like a good husband."
"Like a good husband." He said as he walked back over to me, pausing to pull the iv round to my side, placing his hand out for my arm expectantly. "Does he know you haven't been a good wife?"
"No. He's not going to. This changes everything Leonard."
"You can tell yourself that." He began, pausing to the insert the needle into my arm. "But it realistically changes nothin'. It doesn't change how you feel, it doesn't change whatever you seem to think is missin' in your life."
"I don't think anything is missing in my life." I replied calmly, if indeed significantly obstinately.
"You know you do."
"I don't."
"Well if something isn't missing, somethings wrong isn't it?" I glare at the doctor as he paused what he's doing, hand lingering on my arm longer than necessary. "You're far more human than you give yourself credit for Esha. I can read you like a book sometimes darlin'."
"I'm not human in the slightest."
"Why do you take that like an insult?" I refuse to answer him, a grimace spreading across my features. "You act like showing any kind of humanity is shameful for a Vulcan, and hey, maybe to you it is. That's your business, but if that's how you feel why've you married a half human man? He represents everything you can't seem to come to grips with inside yourself and he'll never change, so unless you want to head for divorce get a grip of yourself and stop resenting him for something he can't help."
"Why are you speaking to me like this?"
"Because I'm in love with you, darlin', and if I can't be with ya' I still want the best for ya'." I wasn't familiar with human emotions but he didn't sound in love with me, he sounded angry, desperate even, but the how would I feel if I was in love with someone's wife? Someone's pregnant wife?

Before I could reply, faintly in the background I could hear footsteps returning and my head snapped sharply in the direction of them in a completely involuntary move. Bones smiles with a roll of his eyes and mimes zipping his mouth shut and throwing away the key before walking off into another corner of the room to busy himself with something else. When Spock returns I'm glad I have the excuse of my morning sickness because all of the colour has drained completely out of my face.

"This is apparently my first of many bags." I say to Spock when he returns, standing at the bedside with his hands behind his back. The doctor hadn't told me this, but I could guess there would be more to come.
"Fluids?"
"Fluids, minerals, vitamins. Replenishing what the sickness has stopped me retaining. Each bag should take more than an hour."
"I'll cancel work then, I had to go..."
"Don't. It's fine, I'm going to use the time to catch up on the sleep the stomach pains have robbed me of or if I have the energy I'm going to focus my brain and enter a trance to try and fix this issue myself, it would be illogical for you to stay only to watch me do this." He nodded at this, clearly thinking it over in his beautiful head.
"Alert me when you're ready to go home." Spock said and with a quick press of his fingers to mine he was gone.

"Stomach pains?"
"What?"
"You said to Spock you were going to try fix your stomach pains."
"The Vulcan brain has a significant amount of control over the organs and bodily functions, if I enter a strong enough meditative state I can wilfully control..."
"I'm a good damn doctor, I don't need the Vulcan physiology explained to me. You didn't mention that you had stomach pains."
"Is that a problem?"
"Not massively, it's something to keep an eye on. Could be nothing, could be something serious." He huffed, walking back across the room and sitting down at the side of the bed. "You need to be forthcoming with me when it comes to your health, especially now that you're pregnant. I am a doctor."
"I am perfectly capable of keeping an eye on my own well-being. I'm not a fool."
"You're not a fool, but you are also not a doctor. I go to another doctor when I'm sick because only an idiot... because it's illogical to think you can fully keep an eye on your own health, you need someone with a different perspective."
I looked around the room briefly to make sure we were alone, even though I knew we were, before my face contorted into one of anger, I'm sure for a human it was mild annoyance but for me it was sheer rage.
"Go fuck yourself with the logic politics Leonard. You're obsessed with it."
"I'd say I didn't agree with it."
"It's always that with you though, logic this, hobgoblin that. If you can't deal with Vulcans then it would be illogical for you to spend so much time around them. Einstein once defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result and that's what it feels like to me when you keep fucking getting on at me and on at me and on at me about changing everything about myself."
"You know that's not what I'm doing."
"Fucking feels that way sometimes."
"You left Vulcan so determined to change everything about yourself you gave up your Vulcan name, T'Aitlu, and took a human one, yet since you left that planet you've left yourself stick in some crazy limbo where you won't move forward, but you won't move back. I beg you woman, get a grip of yourself for your own sake. You go on about how you disagree with the customs on Vulcan, how you think it's too rigid, how you hate your mother but you won't do anything about changing. Take your life into your own hands, you'll be happier for it."

We pause our arguing for a moment and he rocks on his feet like he's expecting to have to dodge my crashing fist, but nothing comes of it. My rage dies out as quickly as it sparked and I'm left with a having chest a muscles so tight my body aches. Is this how humans feel all of the time? How do they cope?

"Can I have a sedative?"
"Big outburst there." He smirked. "Well, huge for you."
"Sorry."
"Don't apologise, kinda what I've been fishing for from you." I rolled my eyes at that and he grabbed a vial from a cupboard near the bed in the tiny private room. "Mild sedative, just to get you a few hours shut eye without you puking your guts out?"
"Perfect." I nodded. "How fast will it kick in?"
"You got a few minutes." Boned smiled, before injecting me quickly with the sedative. "I'll change out your fluids while you're out."
"Medazolam?"
"Propofol."
"Will you stay till I fall asleep?"
"I can stay till you wake up."

There's silence for a few moments as I lie in the hospital bed, the bright lights of the room beginning to swirl at the edges of my vision.

"I miss my name."
"It's a good name." He says to me softly.
"T'Aitlu." I feel the syllables of it out slowly in my mouth. "No one calls me that anymore. Not even Spock."
"It's a good name, T'Aitlu. You don't have to give it up."
I close my eyes.