My Thoughts

You

I look over at you and you smile at me. I smile back. I mouth 'I love you' and you turn a cute shade of pink and smile even wider. Your adorable. I turn back to the teacher who's talking about something about gun laws and shit. I only need to know the work and do it. That's class. Not knowing about how she manipulated her parents.

I look over at you again. Your just staring at the wall thinking. Probably worrying about something or other. It pains me that I can't just read your mind and help you. It seems like everyone else can. I know it's fake. I know that smile that sits on your face everyday at school is fake. But when were alone and I tell you a dumb joke that smile is genuine. The smile you get when I jokingly touch your ass or boop your little nose is real. The half laugh half cry you make when I slap your ass when you don't pay attention to me is real. That cry when someone has hurt you and your leaning over my shoulder is real. Your love for me is real. You look back  at me and it comes along again. The little smile that lets me know your thinking of me. The little smile i Iive for day after day.  I just wish I could hold you in my arms for every breath I take. Things would be better.

Things will be better.

I lay awake In my bed staring at the ceiling. I hold a pillow close to my chest. I close my eyes and think of you. When you lay your head on my chest and tell my heart to come down. Or comment on how comfy I am to lay on. I would just chuckle and go along with it. The way you would push your head into my neck and hold me close.  Hold me tight and make me feel like I can protect you. Then I realise your not actually here. You won't be here tomorrow. Or the day after. But I might just be with you. If I'm lucky enough. Probably not. I know how much time you spend with your friends. I know how sometimes you can't take it so I stay home and comfort you over the phone. I get comfy and remind you to chill out. Because whenever your sad it's a long day. A day where i have to try remind myself you will be okay. It hurts and puts me in tears but it's fine, it's for you. I'll do anything for you. Things will be better.

I sit on the bus with my head against the window. I think of what I can do to make you laugh or smile while your down. Or what I can say if u seem sad. The music blows through my ears and scenarios pop into my head. A dark room and a film. Talking while you cuddle up to me and were both falling asleep. You wearing my hoodie and I'm holding you close. Your cute little eyes look up at me to check if I'm crying again and this time I have a red face and a tear dripping off my chin. I tell you I don't know why. I'm lying. Im thinking of you. And the possibility I will lose you eventually. Maybe to death in fifty years. Or someone will win your heart from me. The idea of you not being with me every day pains my heart. I wouldn't have a reason to live. I wouldn't know what to do. I would stop talking to people. I would stop writing, stop drawing. I wouldn't move. Id just sit there until my own thoughts eat me. I wouldn't have a reason to keep myself in check. So why do it.

Then.

And only then.

Things will get worse.