My Thoughts

Im still fine

7 months down the line huh. The same old thoughts as the day on the bus. I still sit on that same bus sigh and smile. God I wish that were true. I'm still at on the bus. I doubt that'll change for a while. But this whole idea of sighing and smiling is just wrong to me now. There's nothing to smile about. No matter I push it and tug at the muscles on either side of my face my smile is gone. When I'm alone its not something that exists. I need to feel as though there's someone to work for. Some one to be proud of me. And I have to care about them its not just choose someone and leave it. I tug the strings on my hoodie and look around at the people that surround me. They don't know Me yet the judge the tear on my face. The tear in my skin. The ripple of shame that shakes the bus when I step aboard. I press the button.

STOP

One bus stop too early yet I feel the need to relieve these people of my presence and let them ride in peace. I wipe my eyes and gt up. My legs tremble and i reach for my bag. Everyone's eyes lock onto me. I slowly move through the stalls and end up at the front of the bus. The doors slide open and I step off. Timed speeds up and the bus speeds off not being weighed down by my self doubt. My legs swing aimlessly in front of my and struggle to drag my heavy body down the road to my home. Well again. Not for long. I never really make a house a home anymore. We move too much.

Give it 10.. 15... 30 minutes. Give it half an hour. I make it to my house. The door is pulled open by ma. She asks if I had a goof day and I nod. I gravitate toward my room and my bag slides my shoulders. I grab my tablet and message her. No reply. I sit and wait. I wait for her confirmation. Her approval. I'm lost. Stuck in this same loop. I turn on my TV. I put on dome music and keep waiting. 5 minutes had never felt so long. She messages and my eyes light up. This. For hours. I'm addicted.

It hits 10. I put down my phone. I wander into the kitchen. I wash my red face and stare into the mirror. I straighten my back and it cracks. Stop slouching all the time. My neck feels tight. I turn and return back to my room. I leave my phone alone. She's asleep. Good. I turn off my TV and sit on my bed. I state down and my face returns back to it's reddened state. Short strong exhales kick through my body. Tears well up in my eyes. Don't worry. It's fine. Same old day. Same old routine. I wipe my eyes with the blanket and fall back onto my pillow. I'm lost.

Is it too late. Could i do it without ma waking up. Is it too late. My hands tremble and my eyes lock onto the ceiling and go blurry. My neck loosens a bit as I turn my head to the wall. You don't get it. You've probable done this before but you don't get it. I won't let it go through my head. My frozen fingers run down my cheek and the rawness hits my chin. Go get it. She won't wake up. The years keep rolling. Slower yet bigger. Quieter. I try to keep it in but I'm far too weak. My hands sling back to the bed and clench the blanket beneath me.

I swear I'm still fine.