My Thoughts

Writing

'Sat here thinking once again with another idea and another word to fit into place like puzzle. I sit here fixing up a sentence instead of fixing my fucked up mind. I please people by making a sentence that pleases their standards of my work. Another word, another sylable to roll off of a dirty tongue another bit of repetition that will appease to the others that pressure me into one more chapter, one more breath and 20 more  minutes making myself feel shit so that I can make a piece of writing that they compliment and not read through the lines realising it's more than 5 minutes of tapping on a screen. Realising I'm stuck in a loop of repeating myself is a hard thing to do but breaking out of it is the harshest storm id ever have to endure. A grumbling sea and ferocious storm to fight with only a rickety boat and my sanity is what is occurring in my brain when I stare into nothingness.

'I'm fine'

Have you ever believed it when I said it. If you have your a fool. The difference  between happiness and the crack in your good day called people is that alot of things are predictable. Except the deep dark crevasse that can be explored every time you come across it. It is ever so Intruiging yet a heart breaking powerful being that can and will damage you soon enough. I hate it. I hate the gaping hole but yet I can't live without it. The fear of walking five minutes seeing no broken ground is something I dare to tamper with.  Tampering with a force stronger than yourself is something that only a dumb specimen would attempt. A stupid patient awaiting his treatment from something that could allow him to die from sheer laziness.

A broken heart, a broken head, a broken mindset. Three things that eat a person from the inside out. A disgusting thing to watch, gruesome yet enticing. Something you want to overlook but act as though you hate it. It takes less effort to break someone than it does to be quiet these days. I wonder why. I am on the verge of breaking. But sometimes through that gap a light shines out and that's what I'm experiencing. A person you can explore and find out new things about for years on end with the chance of them destroying you at every new discovery yet the chance allows you to keep going. It can fix you and then break you to pieces or beat you to a pulp until you feel nothing but shame about yourself.'

'Does no one ask you how you feel? How are you?'

'I'm fine'