My Thoughts

Never letting go

I lay with my face against the pillow and my arms wrapped tight. My eyes are squinted and the salty drops seep into the felt that covered this soft heaven I'm addicted to. I slowly open my eyes and glance around the room. My blurry vision can only decipher a few items. I sigh and another drop of sadness slips from my eyelids, losing its grasp, and letting go. My face buries into the pillow again, still holding it as tight as I can.

My arms begin to ache, this straining of this tight hold puts me in pain. Slowly I loosen up my grip on the pillow. I feel unsafe, my eyes are stuck open staring at it. I don't want to lose the only thing I have left. I look down at the pillows sprawled across my bedroom floor that I lost and don't have the power to get back. I'm stuck up here on my bed. I can't leave it. Each and every pillow I locked in my arms and tried my hardest to keep. I failed every time. I just want one. That's all I want and need. I look back at the last one I have left. My eyes well up with tears again, and I drop my head onto the pillow.

I yawn. I look around the painted walls and I yawn again. My arms looser than they should ever be. The pillow left hanging over the top of my arms. I lay with my head on the bunched up blanket. My eyes slip down until there half lidded. I try to pry them open but I don't have the energy. A feeling of numbness and emptiness overcomes me. My tears well up and slide down my face, again and again. A consistent stream of the weakness left in me sliding out and wetting the place where I rest my head. My eyes slide closed and the pillow slips from my arms and down to the floor next to my bed.

I tried, I'm sorry.