My Thoughts

I have regrets but that doesn't mean i don't like where i ended up.

If i say I looked back in my past and regretted how i got here would you hold it against yourself. I mean if you asked me 4 years ago where i thought i'd be now. Well i guess i would say I was trying to get a job on the side, to save money to go to Ashton. My outlook on life changed since then i don't care for what i made 4 years ago. Apart from fresh, I feel like i kind of ended up like him. Playing an instrument to forget the home life he hated. Chasing everything that's impossible. Covered in scars i don't to explain. Mine are more mental than his. I haven't been sliced in the neck quite yet. Last i spoke to them before i fucked up i must've been 12.  Properly that is. I think since then i've become a lot smarter. A lot harsher on myself anyway. 

Asked me 1 year ago i would've told you i was so confused on where i'd be that fucking the queen would be possible.  I didn't know where i'd be. Drawing, writing, rapping, on the streets with a hat and a tear in my eye begging for money after my mum threw herself off a bridge.  You can't tell me it was impossible considering shes dropped to her knees in tears telling me that she wishes she was dead. That's when i started this whole thing anyway. writing my problems in ways that i could sieve through the people around me by seeing which ones would come through the other side knowing exactly what i meant. Or which ones wouldn't even read it at all. That's the only reason why i release half of these. I subconsciously know only 2 people actually read them anymore.

Now if you ask where i'll be in a few years damn i wouldn't have an answer. My closest guess is struggling and that's all i've got. I wish i could say anything else but i cant. I can promise that some things will stay the same. I will always get out of my Bath more paranoid when i got in. I will always have cold tears. I will always get a headache when people start arguing. I will always get tempted to do dumb, extravagant things when i feel alone to feel noticed or loved. I will always have the sinking feeling in my chest of regrets i've had for years. I will always blame things that are my fault on my anger or fear. I will always see my granddad as the greatest man i've ever met.  And no one is ever proving me wrong when i say i ain't giving up. If i get hit by a truck in the morning that just means that walk will be a hell of a lot longer. I'll limp for miles longer than you would under those circumstances. I ain't dying til i have no one to show for. I ain't dying til someone douses me in gasoline, lights me on fire then feeds me poison. I ain't going down before anyone who ever doubts me because if god exists he knows i had a handicap from the beginning and i'm climbing higher than anyone who's tried to knock me down.