My Thoughts

Midnight

I stare out. The train tracks are lined underneath me covered in rubbish from passerby's. Tears that have dried in the corners of my empty eyes mould back into there shape and roll down my cheek. I take in a breath and my breathing shakes. I cough and splutter as more and more tears dribble from my eyes to my chin to the barrier I'm leaning on. I can't see anything, it's dark, it's midnight.

I'm visible from the house of the girl I'm dating so I don't turn incase she's sat at her window. She can't see me like this. I take in a deep breath and another tear slips down my face, followed by another and yet another. I run my fingers through my messy hair and it drops down onto my face again. I look at up at the pitch black sky. All I can see are stars. I want to be among them one day. It's dark. It's midnight.

My fingers grip the barrier I'm stood on. I want to call her but telling her how I am might scare her away. Telling her how I scratch my side to calm my nerves or how I cry when I'm alone for too long or how I come up to this bridge every day to wrestle with my will to life until I eventually give up and go home. The fights with myself to get up and go to work. The fights with myself not to cut and stab at myself every time I see a razor blade. What's stopping me. She'd never find out considering we only see each other five minutes a day. That's enough for me to hold back on everything and print a smile on my face and stick in onto my face. I turn toward her house. I can't see anything. It's blurry. I'm crying.

I clutch my fist, considering going to your house. What would your parents think. Your dating a mess and I can't even keep myself smiling most of the day. I can't control myself. My legs pick up and start moving me. My head is rushing and telling me everything that can go wrong, tears pouring like flood gates just opened. Cross the road, couple more minutes. I wipe my face and try to steady my breathing. I can't remove my scowl and I keep coughing and coughing until I'm at her door. I raise my arm.

I'm sorry.

My arm shakes and I look down. What am I doing. She won't accept me. I should go home. The tears don't stop and the shaking spreads through all my body until I'm a convulsive mess on her front door. My arm drops. I stare at the door. I'm so sorry. I lift my arm and knock.  I take a deep breath. More tears, more shaking. It's so dark. Its so blurry. I can't see anything. I'm a mess. It's midnight. I hear footsteps, I tremble. My knees feel weak. I can't breath. My shirt is drenched with tears. I'm cold. What's happening. The door creeks open and she looks at me.

'What happened?'

'It's midnight'