My Thoughts

The Thoughts - 100

I can say i've been having the same stupid, dangerous thoughts for over a year now. The same walk home where i look at a car want to step in front of it and let it take me. Where i say i'm going home but really im going to stand on top of the bridge in a pose that honestly, looks a lot cooler with a cigarette, but if you know me you know how that goes. That 4.9 meter drop would kill me as long as a car hits me when i hit the concrete below. But if i do it i need to assure no A&E get to me before i die. Even if its slow and painful it'll be better than standing around in this shit stain of a planet for much longer. 

To be Honest if i'm stood there thinking about it and someone stops me before i did it, i don't know who i'd run to. I might not even run anywhere. I'd probably go down the same road i always do and break down near the shops like i do every time. Or maybe i'd get closer and might be able to get so close to smell the grass from the neighbor. Still break down though, no doubt about that. But hey, another trip to the bridge couldn't hurt, it hasn't yet. I'm just upset that i still haven't got something my way even though i've done so much for the 'gods' that so many people are calling for. If there really there why is my whole family struggling with thoughts to take our own lives, why did my dad decide to throw his live away to liquid hell, why haven't we got the help we deserve, why do people lie when they say there here for us. 

Maybe i've lost my mind, wouldn't doubt it over the hardships i've been through, but hey who would care as it is. I've been thinking about my deathbed more than i would like to admit, and to be honest i hope its a hospital bed. I want to see who would come and give me words to maybe make me not jump off the bridge again. People are shitty so don't expect anyone good, expect maybe one of your friends and 3 messages saying, get well soon. Your head is the only thing ill, the rest of you is just weakened to the point where it says 'Of course sir' whenever your malnourished, tired brain says any idea possible. If i'm lucky maybe my girlfriend will come but if my plan goes well enough, She should hate me by then, so should my friends so why would they even be there. 

To be honest, if i say i what i want i have to move on, or Get over it. So why would i have motivation to do anything other than sit by the edge of the road wanting the headlights to approach me. Let them mow me. Take me out once and for all. Because the one thing i want i cant have. Which hurts when i had it once and i took it for granted. Cause i was stupid and unaware of the world even though it was only a year ago. But since then a lot has happened and i've seen way too much.  I'm sick of Christmas already, Birthdays too. They don't give me the same joy that they used to. I wish i had the same excitement i did last year cause that was probably my most recent memory where i felt like a kid, i was dumb and was clueless to the world.

Since then 2019 was essentially a hell hole. first few months were panic and loss. Then spring started making me feel low and useless all the time. I hated summer way too much, i was inside most of it, i'm too far away to do anything like i used to. I can't do sleepovers or have days at the park cause i get ill way too easy. This winter has been the hardest months of my life. Suicidal thoughts to illness to Mistakes. It's stupid. I wish i could get the same disease i got before that nearly killed me. I want to see if hours away from going brain dead, who would care. Seconds before surgery i want to see who would come clean or tell me that they had feelings or that they felt guilty. Maybe death is more simple and nobody cares.  Maybe I tell the people i trust the most and they say they don't care. Good riddance. Can't say i wouldn't agree.

I don't know What comes after death. Maybe It's nothing. Maybe it's heaven or hell and i could be wrong. Maybe i become a spectator, able to watch the people i used to worry about struggle over losing me. But who would. I feel like the reactions i want from the people i want wouldn't happen. Maybe i see the future that would've played out if i didn't follow through with Jumping off the bridge.  Fuck it. Maybe She was right, maybe i did become an actor or comedian. Maybe even a rapper or writer but i don't know. And chances are it'll just be a long long education until i decide it ain't worth it and take my life anyway. Probably a list of girls that i loved and threw away to my anger with a group of women on sharpened spikes by the end of my life. I probably a couple singed photos of girls that realized i'm the same old story over and over again. The same sad sap. The same Screaming asshole. The same dirty hypocrite that manages to manipulate and read people like a sociopath.

 I don't know if i'm smart or stupid.  These 100 thoughts have been the same story retold every time. essentially I.m an angry asshole that's obsessive. All 100 Thoughts in 1000 words.