My Thoughts

Falling

I sit up. My eyes peeled and pinned open. Staying vigilant. I look off the side of my bed out into the abyss. One single tightrope stringing off, out for miles. I swing my legs round and dangle them off, above the eternal darkness that lies below everything I'm comfortable with. The air is cold, it breezes past my ears and lifts my hair on the back of my neck. Lifting it then dropping it back down. I drop my elbows onto my knees, leaning over the edge. I rub my hands together and look out at the tightrope. Okay.

I line up one of my feet, covered by soft black socks, to balance on the tightrope. Then slowly, my second foot rises and lines up in front of my  other foot. I slowly rise up, losing the sense of structure. I'm left with nothing but my own ability to balance, my balance to keep myself up. My ability to keep myself from falling, keep myself from slipping into the abyss. I take a deep breath, and move my foot round and take another step, and stick my arms out slightly to give me a sense of safety. And just like that, I'm walking.

Slowly I'm moving along this tightrope. And the same cold wind brushes past my ears, the same tight rope. Eventually this feeling of security begins to override me. This is the same, this is consistent. Then suddenly, a glimmer of light appears before me. My eyes dart to look at this light, and I begin to move faster, sloppier, but with such hope of what this light will bring. It glistens in-front of me, it seems to be getting bigger but so slowly. So I move faster, and faster. And at one point I'm running.

Then as I'm running on this tightrope, this light is getting bigger and bigger. My mind is rushing on all the possibilities that could be hidden there. Now as it grows bigger and bigger my mind begins to slow, and my running turns to walking. Then slow steps like I was once at before. This light, Now stretching across the horizon. Then for a moment, something tells me to turn back. Something tells me to turn and look, And so I do I turn and I look and there's nothing. Behind me there's no bed. No tightrope to walk on.

At this point I realise that this commitment, this tightrope, this risk, has no turning back implied. So I turn, I swallow the ball of worry in my throat and begin to walk. And this light now has different intent. This once wonderful enigma is now worrying me. It's now making my stomach turn, a mere light in the void of pure emptiness has turned from hope to fear in moments. Still I chase it. This chase that never seems to end. And I pick up the pace, turning once or twice to check the rope is still disappearing behind.

And I turn. I check and when I turn back. The light is gone. My head spins searching for this light. For this hope. My fists clench and I begin to sway, my eyes begin to water and I'm slowly losing my balance. I don't realise it until I go to take another step however. My foot slips, and I slide ever so slowly off the edge. And this feeling overtakes me. The cold air brushes over me once more and after I'm numb. My arms and legs weak as I'm falling with my back facing the inevitable end below.

My chest tightens and the air thins, vomit creeps up my throat and fills my mouth and I'm stuck. I can't turn my head and dispose of this vomit. I can't get the tears from my eyes to fall. I can no longer move my arms or legs. And so I'm falling. Powerless. Like a toy being dropped, a plaything becoming outdated. The person that once enjoyed every little thing I did has dropped me, I'm no longer chasing this heavenly light. This hope. The moment I was closest I second guessed it and I fell. I begun to fall.

And these thoughts rush back, the same from the light and the fall must be corrupting my mind as they're disappearing from possibility. Every little thing I wanted. It's gone. And now I've realised it this fall isn't any easier to stomach. This fall isn't any more enjoyable. I know now though. I know that I was so close. I know I lost everything I thought I wanted and now I know I'm falling. My eyes close. I stop trying to move my arms. I give in to the fall. I surrender. My will, my motivation, my safe space. Falling.