My Thoughts

Driving

The sun burns my eyes as I stare foward. The trees rush past giving me shade to hide behind for not even a second. I hear them thump in the backseat. I look up at the rear view mirror to see her. Her young face. She leans against the window. Awaiting our stop. I sigh and look back forward. My hands tap against the hot wheel in front of me in anticipation. No where. We've gotten no where. It's been hours and were stuck in a world unlike our own.  I feel like an alien.

I've been driving for hours.

The same tall tree. The same small pond. It seems as though were stuck in a loop. I check the back seat. She's asleep. She's wrapped up tight in a yellow hoodie. I told her it would be cold and she still wore the leggings. Nothing over it. My eyes rotate back to the road and I observe our surroundings as I speed past them. My eyes darting back and forth. One Bush. One tree. Another tree. And other. I can't help but feel paranoid. The swear that drops off my head encrypts my crimes into the seat. I check back at her. She's okay. She looks it. But what is she dreaming about. Is she okay in her head. What's going on. She's gotten better at hiding it. It feels like life is getting longer by the second. Each hour feels like weeks.

I've been driving for days.

She's next to me now. In the passengers seat. I look over at her. She's tense. I flick on the speaker in our car and pass her the cable. She looks at me. Surprised. Normally I don't have music on. It's the kind of thing that I love but it puts me off. It doesn't relax me. But she needs it right now. She plugs it into her phone and puts on Twenty one Pilots. She knows me like the back of her hand. I roll down the window. The car feels hot to the touch. After weeks of driving I can't tell when it's not or cold but she's sensitive to it. She sits looking out the window still. I hadn't  seen a smile out of her for a while. At least not one that's genuine. She's enjoying herself. I take deep breaths. I stare foward. My eyesight gets hazy and I slow the car down. We stop. She looks over at me. I lean back and rub my eyes. The music haunts my mind in the background

I've been driving for weeks.

I push open the door and step outside.
I pull a packet of cigarettes out my pocket and light it. She climbs out as I press it against my lips. Giving it a relaxing kiss. She comes over to me and take it out my mouth. She throws it into the dirt and stamps it into the ground. Tears well into her eyes and she wraps her arms around my waist. I hold her close. She can read how I'm feeling from the beating of my chest pulsating through her head. I look into the orangey blue sky that looms overhead. We stand and watch for hours on end. We talk. We joke and talk about what we would do in scenarios that would never happen.

I stopped driving for a night.

I woke up in the backseat with her leaning on me still asleep. I look over at her and she's still sound asleep. No words. I strap her in and crawl into the drivers seat. I close both doors and start the car once again. The world looks sane. The world looks safe. The engine mumbles it's morning growl. I look forward. We're nearly there sweetheart.

I've just got to keep on driving.

The car squeaks as we slow down and stop in the space. I look back at her and she's still sound asleep. I push open the door and climb out, slamming the door behind me. I too the back door open and sit on the edge of the seat. I lightly shake her and she slowly lifts her head. She looks at me. We exchange smiles. What is this. A tears erupts from my eyelids. I quickly wipe it from my face. She looks confused and sits up next to me. She holds me in her arms. I hold her. Peace. The monsters clear my mind for a moment. The demons. They're gone. I pull away and step away. She climbs out and closes the door. I point towards the building.

He's in there. He'll help you.

She looks up at me and nods. Slowly she approaches the door. Her hand grasps the door handle and turns it. She looks back at me. She nods again, smiles back at me. She turns back to the door and pushes it open. She enters slowly and the door slowly shuts behind her.

I'm sorry.