My Thoughts

My Day

I'm sat watching the same movie, same film, same line different day. I stare down at my hands and I try to rip my eyes open but one is stuck closed. That's why I'm sat here in my pyjamas bound by wheelchair. My mum sits next to me holding my hand holding back tears 3rd day over. I feel her squeeze it as her head falls down. Over she comes, the same woman that helped me up when I collapsed outside, its bad because it ain't my first time. I hold my blanket and clutch it. She takes a deep breath and States a the page as holding. Time stops I realise what's around me and the pain that's being snapping my brain disappears I think about the one that's been saving me from myself for the last 2 years. I shake my head and slowly my demons leave. My mind goes to everything I've done that I'm proud of. I've tried. I'm sorry. To think this started from a stupid little snuffly nose. Useless. I look up and everything turns back to normal speed.

The woman flips open the page and hesitates, my mum States her down, fear in her eyes and her hands shake around mine. Only a few hours to stay conscious. Unless I have this Surgery that could make me blind. My mum stays silent and I stare down at myself. Either stay alive and value my eyes for a few more minutes or Leave. I nod and my mum looks at me and my eyes. My grip on my sheets get tighter and I'm holding back tears. I say that I'll have the surgery in about an hour. She nods and hurries away. My mum brake into tears and shakes more than ever before. I keep her in my mind LH. Im still here and she will always be whether I like or not she won't let me go. I crack my knuckeles and use em for what I think is the the last time.

I get left on my bed and ma walks out the room. My heart is quick and my eye is open. I pull my phone from my shelf and stare down at it. I haven't spoke to her in weeks. I open it and my screen is filled with messages. But not from her. From her friend. I open the messages and I read through it. My eye must have something wrote happening still. Let it be a nightmare

H, she don't care about you anymore

She was cheating on you for the whole time

She just told me earlier

I'm sorry

My heart beat stops for a moment and my hands shake. My phone trembles and collapses off my bed. My eyes well up with years and my throat feels like a bullet had penetrated the weak skin around it. It hurt more than when I was in the hospital. They should've shoved the scalpel through my skull. They should've drenched the bed in blood and let me burn inside. Why dont i deserve to be left deflated and deranged. Should've scratched and let me scream. Anything would've been better than the horror hurling hurting phrases at my brain. What did i do so wrong.
They should've left me on a good memory. I dont want to be here anymore.