My Thoughts

You do you.

My heart feels heavy in my chest and my mind is panicked. So i've resorted to my keyboard again. We're both used to me being like this now. Constantly writing to try and get away from my problems when i'm having a conversation with the person that's making me hate myself.  The same sad excuse for a person that i've become. I really don't want to believe that your the thing that's making me this depressed all the time but your mind games are always pushing me to the edge. one minute you act like you need me the other you could do with some other asshole that's never put themselves before you like i do. I should've never messaged you. I should've kept my trap shut. I should've just sat through the arguments instead of always wanting to get my way. And i know after i write this your going to message me after your phone has charged and act like everything fine. And so am i. so who am i to judge. I really need you. and i've said it way too many times. And you know it. but your going to keep this friends thing up until you find another guy to go run to then the second he fucks you over like i said he would you will just run back to me because you know i'm pathetic enough to take you back. 

I understand you do i? I make you feel comfortable do i? Then whats the problem. You've been saying the reason we cant be together is because you don't want to have to put the effort in to talk to me everyday. Or to see me everyday. Yet were not together and we've been doing it anyway and you haven't got a problem with this. This broken hearted arrangement we have. I'm holding the short end of the stick just like normal while you've got a tree on the other end. pick and choose what branch you want but i've got two and one of them throws me into a deep hole that ill never escape and the other shoves me back toward you so i can fall in love with you again and never have your hugs or love ever again.

 What good am i other than making you laugh? Or making your day better? Or making you feel better about yourself? Or putting the effort in to making your friends happy too? Or buying you stuff? Or reminding you how much i Love you?  Because all i get is your smile and a back hand every time i see you whenever someone else is around. A laugh and a turn and you ignore me like nothing ever happened. like the night before i hadn't cried because i miss the touch of you on a sad night. or the hold of you after a hard day. I've got half a mind to walk out and never come back but im scared of being mny pathetic excuse for a father so i always come crawling back with a bullet in my head and a arrow in my heart. So for now im just going to say You do you. And im going to watch until my heart realises this is the worst its ever going to be and that I need to leave. But right now thats not the case. So just. You do you.