My Thoughts

Closest

Why am I still going after her you ask? I know she'll come back. That's why. Just last night she was saying she missed me and she messages me when she's feeling anxious or upset, not her boyfriend. She tells me her problems and what she thinks about certain things. She knows I'll get her a solution. And soon enough when her boyfriend fucks up again shell be broken and I'll be the idiot that picks her up and pieces her together again. I don't care if I could do better. I don't care if she was worse to me than I ever was to her. She's what I want. And if I'm honest I think she's the same.

I'm sat here shaking and in tears as I reach to my bottle to drink again. Another mouthful of coke slides down my dry throat as the only fluid in my body streams out my eye sockets. She hides behind me when the biggest danger she ever faced is in front of her because she trusts me. She knows me. She knows I understand her when no one else does.  I lift up my phone and look at what she sent me. Christ sake. She can't talk about moving away, she wants to but it'll only be bad for her. Like most of the stuff she does.

I'm being played. She's tugging my heart the second I go to turn and I hate it. She needs to make her mind up. Its tearing parts of me off with each and every day. I want to day she's my motivation but I think it'd the idea of being fully alone. All she's done is hurt me. But I need her. Like an addiction I send another message and get another sense of relief while the pain only enhances.

Here. Have another dosage. Take another answer. Another way of relieving yourself of pain. I'm a unpaid emotionally destructive slave. I wish I could break out of this addiction but I'm so close. She's nearly mine again. And this time its going to stay that way.  No petty arguments. No refusing. I am a slave to her. I do what she wants and I'm not allowed to get angry. Side window. Don't open the curtains. Even number. Stand on the left of her. Let her be the middle. Let loose. You are her slave. You do what she wants when she wants and if you refuse your basically done. You understand. You are so close to selling by yourself to the demoness herself.

Don't give up.

Because every smile. Every laugh. Every time she screams the lyrics to her favourite song in a hoodie 3 times bigger than her. Every single time she says I love you. Or don't leave. Or the moment she cried because she misses you. Or turns toward you for help. Makes it worth it. She needs you. She'd be lost without you.  Her rosy cheeks, her little glasses.

Your so close.

Don't let her down.

Show her you need her.

Everything will be fine.