My Thoughts

Alone

My legs begin to shake as I'm stood by the kitchen counter. I grab my bottle and stumble back to bed. The same feeling of hopelessness. I clutch the blanket I got for Christmas and bury my face in it, holding back tears. I can't get anymore because ma has a go at me. I wish I could go through with that one night months and months ago. Stood at that bridge at 10 pm. Hating everything and everyone because no one cared and no one would and I only had one person. And now it's a different person and it's only gotten worse. Ma doesn't even believe me when i say I don't trust myself when I walk down the road. I feel to tempted to jump out in front of a car. Or to just lay in the middle of the road. She said it's A.R.Ts fault. And that's all she cares about. 'Stop being silly'. All she says.

I roll over. Check my phone. Nothing. It's fucking midday and no one cares enough to even check if I'm okay. I've been silent for nearly two weeks now and no one has messaged me once except from her. And yet still I feel this hollow in my chest. I don't want to go seeking attention, crying wolf. Cause the second I talk about suicide people look at me and tell me to jump off that bridge, get hit by that car, Slit your wrists with that knife, do it. Don't say anything if you didn't want the people who will encourage you. But let's be honest onlu two people will hold your arm when you go off and say 'hey you can talk to me' but chances are they'll drop you in two days thinking they've saved a suicide victim when two months later his body is on the news while people chat shit saying how much they loved him when really they ignored his calling for years.

Sorry. I didn't mean to get like that. But Being alone will turn you nasty. And I've been pretty damn alone for a while now.