My Thoughts

Emotions

When I'm scared I cry more than when I'm sad. I'm never scared in sense of danger. If I am it's not often. I'm scared of losing myself. Losing others. Learning of something that could ruin my state of mind. Learning of something that could break my heart or break my brain day after day.

Losing them could mean the end for me. The end of the road. Punching my own ticket. Kicking the stool. Different ways of saying it yet all equally comedically terrifying. She leaves and what do I have? Who do I have to help me push through day after day . Who will remind me I don't look horrid or remind me that I can do what I've wanted to do for months? Or who will make me feel wanted for once? Who will stop me from putting the sharp blade to my skin and allowing the hot blood take me slowly and painfully in a blissful exit.

Who will I have to enjoy? Who will I have to worry about? Who will worry about me? I don't know. No one probably.

No one to run their hand through my messy long hair and remind me how to take care of myself just incase I forget while being lost in there wellbeing. No one to hold me like I'm the only thing keeping them safe. No one to allow me to cry on and for them to cry on me and tell me about what's wrong. No one will ask me how I feel each and every morning. No one will show the way they appreciate me through ways unimaginable. No one who inspires me to be better than I was yesterday and change what's wrong about me so I can be new each breathing moment and not dwell in the past or get boring. Absolutely no one.

I have a feeling If I see to lose her I wouldn't get the nicest of words from those who are close to her. I wouldn't be able to understand why, while knowing it was my fault for not changing quick enough. It was my fault for breaking my character and allowing her to see in. It was my fault that she felt bad about herself because she was so worried about me. It was my fault the whole time.

I know this will drive me to the end. This loving ride that will carry on for as long as I can wonder but will end one day. And that day is the day I know it's coming. Moving full speed in this ride so I can't slow down and go head first off the closest thing that'll kill me.

This will drive me to the end.
Goodnight.
My Future Killer.