Gerard's toe was stuck in the faucet.
This was exactly why Gerard didn't like spending any more time in the bathroom than was strictly necessary. You were minding your own business, lying in the tub thinking about how much you didn't want to go to your fifteen-year high school reunion because you hated everyone you went to high school with and besides, you were single (and wondering how they even knew where to send the invitation because you were very clear that under no circumstances were your parents to give out your details to anybody who knew you between the ages of seven and eighteen, and why was there a fifteen-year reunion anyway, like not going to the ten-year reunion wasn't enough, what the fuck) and the next thing you knew, your toe was stuck in the faucet.
"In the where?" Mikey said after a minute's pause.
"In the faucet," Gerard repeated, shifting so the arm holding the phone wasn't touching the water. "My toe is stuck in the faucet."
There was another pause. This one was broken by Alicia, in the background, saying, "What's going on?"
"Gerard's toe is stuck in the faucet," Mikey told her.
Another pause. Alicia said, "Why is he even in the tub?"
"I'm taking a bath!" Gerard said, loudly enough for her to hear.
She just laughed and said, "If you say so," because she was a terrible sister-in-law who took pleasure in Gerard's misfortune.
"So your toe is stuck in the faucet," Mikey said matter-of-factly. "How are you calling me?"
"My cell was in the pocket of my jeans."
"Next to the tub?"
"On the other side of the bathroom."
"How did you reach them?"
"I hooked up a system with a nail brush and the handle of my loofah."
"Nice," Mikey said approvingly.
"Thanks," Gerard rolled his eyes.
"I want to picture it," Mikey said. "Do you have bubbles?"
"Mikey."
Mikey laughed. "I don't know what you want me to do, dude."
Gerard stared wildly at his shampoo bottle. "I want you to come over and rescue me! You're the only other person with a fucking key."
"I can't," Mikey said. He put something in his mouth and chewed, loudly. "I'm having a very important meeting."
"With who?"
"Winston. Winston, come say hi to Uncle Gerard!"
"Mikey, I don't want to say hi to - hi, Winston," Gerard said dutifully, when he heard the damn dog snuffling against the phone. "Can you put your asshole owner back on, please?"
"I really can't come over," Mikey said when Winston ran out of things to say. "You should call the super."
"I can't call the fucking super!" Gerard protested. "I'm fucking naked and my fucking toe is stuck in the fucking faucet, Mikey, what can you possibly be doing that's more important than rescuing me?"
Alicia came on the line, then. "You know," she said slowly, "I saw this thing on the Discovery Channel about how if human skin stays underwater for too long, its, whaddyacall, molecular structure breaks down and it starts coming off in big oogy lumps."
"Fucking what?" Gerard flailed around, trying to hold as much of himself out of the water as he could. "I don't want to be an oogy lump!"
"Stop scaring him with that Discovery Channel crap," Mikey said, reclaiming the phone. "You watch too much of that shit."
