timelines | j.jk × k.th

CT chapter: 32

Current Timeline: Taehyung's POV

I held the neatly folded paper in my hand curiously.

It didn't look like anyone had seen it, not even Baekhyun while he lay fast asleep on the bed. 

My heart pace quickened while I opened the paper as carefully as possible. 

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Dear Taehyung,

I love you. There are no words to explain how much I love you however emotional and dramatic this may sound. You have no idea what effect you have on me, and I think that is the most dangerous part.

Since the very start, I have been very fond of you. In the beginning, I thought it was just respect and adoration but later it turned into something else, something that made me blush every time I saw you, something that made me feel butterflies in my stomach every time you looked at me. Perhaps it took me some time, but I realized it was love.

You have no idea how much misery it caused me to stay away from you, but I was forced to. You probably think that I don't love you, since I have been avoiding you for so long and causing you immense pain. Do not think I didn't notice the silent sobs emanating from you every night, every shudder of your body was a jolt to my own heart. It killed me from the inside to make you suffer, but it was a compulsion.

Remember all those hours we spent talking about our childhood? And remember all those nights we spent talking about our families?

I hope I was able to convey how my family, especially my sister, held a special place in my heart.

Wonder what has been troubling me since a few weeks back? My sister, the one I respected and looked up to so much, had an affair with a man of lower stature, eloped with him and now bears his child.

It was pure horror and surprise hearing she had done something of that sort, my own sister. Someone who I thought had high moral values, someone who I thought had a sense of right and wrong, someone who I thought would think of the consequences of any decision she would make. Now because of this, she has brought utter shame to the family.

Other people have already started questioning my family's integrity, and it breaks my heart to know that the people who once respected my father and gave their undue loyalty, are the same people who ridicule and find our family's situation hilarious, pitiable or simply outrageous.

I know it seems like I am making assumptions about how things might have changed in Korea for me, but there seems to be no need to go there if rumors have already started to circulate among our own employees. I don't know how word got to them, but hearing their gossip and cruel jokes make me want to drown myself in a pit of humiliation and shame. The attachment I've had with my sister has proved to be a very unhealthy one as now I am the one suffering for her actions. When I had heard of my sister running away, the only thing I could think of was how could she do such a unforgivable and disgusting deed? Did she not think about anyone when she had done what she did? But it didn't cross my mind that I was doing the same thing. The only difference between me and her, is that she was fearless, she didn't seem to care what everyone else would think. She was stronger. And maybe she is happier. But I, was scared, I feared what would happen. I cared more. But I was unhappier.

Taehyung, I love you, very much, but the very fact that we are homosexual, automatically brings people's speculation and contempt. The world is grim and harsh, not everyone thinks the way we do, accepts what we do and who we love, because in their eyes we are unnatural. This is the truth, and the truth will not change until people do. More than any of this, it would torment me more, to be separated from you. We cannot stay together and I fear that our secret would be found out. I don't want you to be ruined with me.

The future has been looking bleak and I had decided that to end all this frustration, anguish, depression and paranoia, is to exit from the sufferings this life has given me.

I did not want to bring further shame to the family, so I decided to stay away from you, preventing my lineage from any future chagrin. I knew that had I stayed with you, held you in my arms for even a moment longer, I would plunge into a painful yet beautiful trap of infatuation. You have already entangled me in this trap, but staying away from you has only made this easier yet more difficult.

Taehyung, please do not put yourself at fault for my mistakes or for my pain. Never think that I regretted our love or relationship.I am extremely sorry Taehyung, I truly am. It pains me to see you suffer.

But now, I can see a road to lead me and everyone else away from the agony I am causing to everyone.

Had I not taken these steps to end my pain and everyone's burden, either I would have to live in constant unhappiness or have my parents face the truth. My mother's health is already deteriorating, but the truth would hurt her more than the news of her son's death. I haven't lived the life I had wanted to live but you made it so much more easier, so much more bearable.

I don't want you to be sad and mull over me for the rest of your life. I am sure that you will find someone better than me, whether it be a man or woman. I'm sorry I couldn't have the strength or courage to face the problems. I wasn't strong enough. I want you to recover from every misfortune and obstacle that obstruct your path and show the strength and presence of mind I failed to display. I hope and wish only happiness for you.

Love,

Jungkook

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I sat still not making a single movement. 

That's how it ended?

What happened to Taehyung? 

My heart sank with the sudden ending. 

I was so engrossed like it was a well written story, however I didn't realize that I had made comparisons with my own life. 

Jungkook at that time had stopped talking to him. 

The Jungkook I know is slowly distancing himself away from me. 

But he cheated on me.

That Jungkook didn't.

He loved him.

And always did. 

I felt my throat choke up and my eyes water. 

I cleared my throat and tried to distract myself with something else. 

But, my mind always wandered back to the notebook and the people who so greatly seemed to resemble both Jungkook and I. 

The day went by quickly with me constantly thinking about the book and what had happened. 

I seemed preoccupied to those around me however my mind worked quickly wondering about the fate of the Taehyung in the other timeline.

With this in mind, it had drifted me to sleep.

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