Hello And Welcome To My Life

Chapter 15

I only took maybe a week until she came back. She was riding Tay's bus and when she got to the school and we saw each other she opened up her arms and said 

   " MY B*****S "

We hugged and let me tell you I stumbled to hold myself upright. I couldn't believe she was back. I was so happy. I  was so glad she was back because I didn't want her out of my life. That made my day for the entire day. I was so happy. 

Everything went back to normal after that. Except for one thing.

Myself

Now as a child I was always happy, but at this point in my life this is where I warn you. This is some depressing stuff. So if you are sensitive to depressing stuff I'm warning you now. After this I will write a little paragraph about what I said but in a softer version.

STARTING NOW

So I know you all may be mad at me for this but in 2018 I tried to make cut marks on my arms.

Yeah. I did.

I will say I tried 3 times and they all failed so my arms are mark free. 

1st Attempt:

           I was on my laptop in my living room and typing away on DeviantArt. My charger was plugged up to the socket in the wall. My brother walked into the room and started bring mean to me saying that typing and what I was doing was retarded. 

At the time we only had so much internet. Trey had a play station 3 and 4. When ever he was on one of them it would take up all the internet. He was on it 24/7. when ever I got on my computer he would get mad at me because I took the internet. He was on his play station all the time though and it annoyed me cause I couldn't type my stories.

So he was annoying me and eventually I stood up from the couch. I stood and pulled the cord with the laptop off the couch and my laptop has never worked since. It will turn on but it will never get past the opening screen where it says refreshing the system. I was so mad and upset because I loved writing and I just lost my main way of writing.

I felt heartbroken. So I went to my room and cried. I stayed in my room for the rest of the day from the evening to the night. I didn't fall asleep at all. At one point I stood up grabbed my pocket knife and pulled the blade out. Before I could even lift it to my arm I lost all the strength I had.

Failed

2nd attempt

      It was when my dad was home. My dad left when I was 5 and visits on weekends. Every time he comes though he always wants to take a nap. 

I

Hate

Naps

They make me feel terrible when I wake up. Plus it ruins my sleep schedule at night. 

So one morning I woke up one morning and made breakfast for everyone. I ate along with my brother, mom, and dad. Once I was finished I was sitting on the couch reading a story on WattPad. My dad stood up and said he was going to take a nap and for me to come with him and take one as well.

I told him I didn't want one. 

That my friends is where it sparked. He said that I was being sassy and then he left to his room. He came back a few minutes later and leaned on the arm rest of the side of the couch I was on. We had a picture of a younger version of me. Basically when I was a toddler. He pointed to that picture and asked where his daughter is. Where that girl in the picture was. I felt my heart shatter.

I stood up and said,

   " You're right. I don't know where she is. I'm clearly not her. I'm just a terrible daughter that doesn't do anything for you. I don't make you food I don't take care of you. I'm just a terrible daughter. "

I went to my room and locked the door. I got under my covers and laid there crying. I didn't pull my phone out and watch something, read, and scroll through Instagram. I just laid there in bed and let the bad thoughts in my mind wander around.

When I did leave my room it was dark outside. I was in my room for the whole day. I went to the bathroom and got in a nice hot bath. I felt the veins in my left wrist start pulsing. No matter what pressure I put on it It would keep pulsing. I grabbed a shaving razor and started trying to drag it over my arm.

Remember I said all my attempts failed and the key word in that sentence was ' try '.

I lost all the strength and went completely numb. No joke I tried multiple times and when I put pressure on the razor and my wrist I lost all my strength and I went numb. I left the bathroom and when I did I felt my left wrist pulse even harder. I crouched in the bathroom trying my best to stop the pulsing. It didn't stop until A few minutes later.

I went into the living room and talked with my dad and explained my reasons for not wanting to take a nap, but I didn't tell him about trying to cut.

3rd Attempt:

          The third attempt was a week after Christmas. My dad was coming home and he wasn't there yet.

Now if I ever find something that I don't know how I got I like to keep it. That's the main reason for my necklace will be told about in the future.

Trey liked my playing cards. They were see through on one side. One side would have the suit, number, and symbol. On the other side you would see red and you could see through it without seeing the number or suit.

They were my favorite cards. I use them all the time to play spider solitaire or to challenge myself. I found it relaxing.

I counted my cards one night and put them in their suits I was missing a lot of cards. I talked to Trey and he said he hid them. I told him to tell me where they were. He didn't tell me.

I got frustrated that I pushed him. Mind you it was lightly. I pushed him to where he wouldn't stumble. But he did it out of his own will and he knocked over my little Christmas Tree in my room. I got so mad I threw one of the glass bulbs at the door. I picked them all up by hand the smallest to the biggest pieces. 

I picked up one piece and wanted to cut, but I had tears in my eyes and I couldn't see it. So I didn't do it.

Basically the depressed sensitive stuff is over. What it mainly said was that I tried to do some harmful things to myself but I failed.

3 attempts. 

3 fails.

I never made one mark on my body.