Hello And Welcome To My Life

Chapter 16

I know what you're thinking.

   " Why didn't I tell anyone? "

I tried.

Yup.

I did try to tell someone.

They didn't listen to me. They didn't even let me finish my sentence. 

Like I said in a previous chapter depression is something you can't just go out and tell someone. Fear is a big thing. It can control you like a puppet connected to its strings. It controls you makes you think things you would never think.

Here's the situation.

I was in 2nd block one day and I was talking with Elijah. I couldn't remember how it started, but we had a conversation and it turned to depression. I said,

   " It takes a lot of courage and bravery to tell someone. "

Then I told them I had a taste of depression. I know what it feels like. 

Now I'm not going to call them out, they know who they are though. I will say they were close to me. They looked at me in my eyes and said.

   " The lights still in your eyes. "

   " What? But ***** I only sai- "

   " You don't have the dead look in your eyes. There's still light in them."

That's the thing.

I'm a good actor.

I've acted for that long saying I was fine and that everything was fine. I must be a good actor. I felt hurt. To have him look at me and say that. It hurt. 

EXPLANATION TIME

I like school. Ya I know I'm a freak. I like school. I like reading, writing, and learning. That's why I bet I didn't look dead.

So you see I tried to tell someone and that took so much courage and bravery to only be shut down. That became another fear added to telling someone. 

My fears about telling someone:

1. I was afraid they wouldn't believe me

2. I was afraid they would think I'm lying

3. I was afraid they would think I'm dramatic

4. I was afraid they would say I'm attention seeking

During this time as well I didn't feel emotionally well. 

Naturally I didn't like myself. I would always say I'm not good enough. I don't deserve this. I look terrible. I shut my real self away from the world. I crawled into my shell of loneliness. 

I was disgusted with myself. Now before you get mad I am getting better. I promise I am. I won't talk about that now. That'll be later.

For now back to the subject. 

Wheezey was back and I thought I had someone to talk to. Someone who would understand. I told her about it. She encouraged me to tell my dad. To tell my mom. I told her I would try.

Eventually Wheezey If you're reading this then here is the reason why I stopped talking about deep stuff with you. It wasn't your fault. 

It was mine.

Another fear developed.

5. I was afraid my situation would pull Wheezey back into her depression.

I didn't want you to go back to that sad life right when you are trying to get out of it.

So I never told you anything else deep about my life. I tried to anyway.

I eventually built up the courage to tell my mom. I couldn't look her in the eyes as I told her. She kept asking me how I was feeling asked If I loved her and why. I told her everything and cried. She said that we need to tell your dad.

   " Okay. "

When my dad came in I told him. He was....

Disappointed in me.

He said he could never imagine me doing that. That I'm not the type of person to give up like that. He said I'm never selfish. That I'm the most selfless person he knows. That he has ever seen. 

He said that is the most selfish thing I've ever done. He said I've never been selfish. I do things for people and they don't help me back and things like that.

He then started saying how would your nana and grandpa feel about you dying? How would your cat feel. Things like that.

I couldn't stop crying.

Like I said earlier you can't help people who have depression. You can only help them if they ask for it. If you try helping them then they are only going to resist and think worse about themselves.

I felt worse about myself when he said that he was disappointed. I couldn't hold it.

I stood up and said,

   " I'm going to go, cause this isn't helping me. "

I left the living room and went to my room. I laid down and stared at the wall thinking about me decisions. I regretted it.

I regretted telling them.

My mom didn't even say anything. She sat on the couch and let me take it. The only thing she said was...

   " Thank you for telling us. "

That hurt even more. I felt broken.

I told Wheezey later and she said she was sorry. 

Wheezey, It wasn't your fault. You wanted the best for me. I know that. I know you would never hurt me. I would never hurt you. You didn't know what was going to happen.

I don't blame you. You only tried to help me because I asked. Thank you.

At dinner I didn't eat anything. I lost my appetite. It was just me sitting at the table with my dad making me eat and my mom washing dishes. Trey wasn't there. They told me to jokes to cheer me up, but it didn't work. I barely ate anything.

   " Did Trey already eat? "

   " Yes. He did. "

   " Did you tell him anything? "

   " No we didn't. "

Lies.

I knew they were lying. Wanna know how I know? My walls are thin. I laid on my bed with no music no nothing. Just silence. My wall leads to the living room. I heard Trey in there. They talked and after that he was never the same.

I stood up and was about to leave when my dad hugged me. I hugged him back and cried on to his shirt.

   " I love you. " He said

   " I love you too. "

We stood there and hugged and cried. I never felt more connected with my parents. After my dad said to eat and he would be in the living room. I ate and went into the living room. The rest of the night was peaceful. 

I only hoped my future was better.

It is.