Hello And Welcome To My Life

Chapter 31

So I said I would get into it later and it's later.

I said I would talk about why I think,

   ' Why would anyone miss me if I died? ' and the whole blaming thing along with a little about fear.

So that's a question I started asking myself recently. Honestly why would anyone miss me? I'm not special. I'm nobody. I'm just a person who went through a lot and has a laptop to write about it. I'm no one special.

I'm honestly not. I don't see what the big deal is. I'm not someone special or important. Sure people will say we would miss you or my life would be terrible without you.

No.

It would be just fine.

Sure there would be tears but people would have to get over me eventually. It's going to be hard. It will be, but people will eventually get over me. I ask that question cause I don't understand why someone would miss me. I would be sad, but I would get over it. I could never forget it, but I have to move on at some point. Cause that's life. We all will eventually die, but it's up to you weather you want to move on and remember or wallow in sadness. 

What will you do if I die?

The next topic is blaming stuff on myself.

That actually happened because I would always get blamed on. It happens today still. What ever happens I get blamed for it.

So it's just a characteristic that I've developed and it's stuck with me. I don't know if I'll ever get ride of it. I hope I do one day, but for now I can only try to get rid of it. 

But it'll take some time. I just wish time was slower.

So now to the next topic. Fear.

I finally admit it. I have depression. It's sad that it took me this long to admit. I always said that I don't have it, but I admit it. I do. I finally admit it. I do, but it's only adding more weight on my shoulders. Cause now I know I have it, but I don't know what to do.

Because I have it I have developed this fear that I never had before. It's not a fear that can easily be conquered. It's never going to be conquered honestly. I will say that. It will never leave. 

It's the fear of telling or saying something. 

I feel like if I'll tell anyone they would call me ' dramatic ' like my brother always use to call me. I stopped believing it you know. Yeah, I stopped cause my friends said he was wrong.

I'm starting to believe it again.

I feel like I am being dramatic. That I should just shut up and not say anything. that I should leave everything that my friends gave and created for me. To leave their kindness and smiles behind. 

But I couldn't do that to them. They've done so much for me. I haven't done anything worthy of their kindness. 

I don't deserve Richard, Nora, Rain, Wheezey, Petunia, Alexander, And everyone. I don't deserve them.

Cause I'm just a dramatic player. The stuff I do is annoying. I can't change that. I can't, and I don't have an excuse. I don't have an excuse to explain myself for anything. I'm just dramatic and I need to go back to my silent ways. I honestly do.

It would be better for everyone if I did. But, what about my biggest fear? My fear of being alone. I don't want to lose them, but I know I don't deserve them. I don't they are too good for me. I don't deserve them or anything they have done for me.

This may look uncool of me but if you wanna know the truth I feel really calm right now. I'm shaking as I write this but I'm going to calm down. I did just cry so give me some slack. Cause I'm going to do an experiment with myself as the guinea pig. I'm not going to say what it is cause that's something saved for later. The experiment will start tomorrow probably in the evening. I need to ask some people a certain question and then it'll start once I get enough answers. 

I know they might be reading this right now so that's why I'm not going to tell anyone my experiment. Cause then they'll know, but hopefully I'm changed after this experiment if I don't chicken out. I honestly might because I fear they won't talk to me ever again. 

And you know what? I at first thought getting help would help me with this depression. I asked my parents for help, my friends have helped me, random people here on WattPad have helped me.

I don't want help anymore.

My family called me a disappointment when I asked for help.

My friends have said I can talk to them about anything, but they will only hurt me more.

The random people on WattPad have actually helped me a little bit. Because they would just tell me things and I don't know who they are. I can barely keep up with my followers and who they are anymore. I really don't deserve any of my readers.

So maybe I don't need to ask for help. Cause it'll only hurt me and everyone around me more. So maybe I can't have help. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be. I don't know.

As I have said a million times. When someone helps a depressed person it'll hurt them more when you try and help them, but when they ask for it, they will let you help and they will know you aren't trying to hurt them.

I do welcome you WattPad readers though. You can text me here on WattPad. How you do that is, 

PHONE

1) Go to the home page
2) Click the 5th button on the bottom that shows your notifications.
3) You'll have three bars on the top. One says News feed, Notifications, and Messages
4) Click messages
5) Make a new message at the top by clicking ' + New message '
6) Type in my username FreeFlyer68 and start the message

COMPUTER

1) At the top right there is your icon
2) Click Indox
3)You 'll see a tip on the side read it and it will explain

I will be honest. I can't remember any of my followers. So if you do text me I'm sorry I forgot. I look forward to seeing your messages.

Fear: Something that when is mixed with depression stays for a good long long time. It stayed with me.