Hello And Welcome To My Life

Chapter 37

Have you ever just felt so useless? Useless to the point where you feel like no one cares? Well, I have multiple times, but yesterday I have felt the most useless I have ever felt in my life.

Yesterday I wasn't very happy. I was worried about my friend Rain. I'm not going to say why because I barely understand it, but I will say that I feel like it was partially my fault.

She left a chat I had with her and a few other people. I asked her why and she said that she just wanted a break from it. I asked her,

People or Self

She never answered the question. I can't assume anything. The first thing was my brain instantly thought to people. I was one of the people. She later said self but the thought never left that I could be part of the problem. So, I wasn't having a good morning. 

Later I went to the band room and Mary had to study for a test. Petunia and I don't talk that much anymore so I just stood there silently standing there. I was going to go talk to Richard, but I saw him talking to people and I didn't want to intrude. So, I never talked to him. Which kind of made me more upset. I wanted to watch him play so I could calm down, but I didn't get to. 

Rain and I didn't talk to each other the entire first block. The voice in my head said she was upset with me. That I was useless because I couldn't do anything wrong. I walked the halls with a frown on my face and saw Nora.

We walked a little way and I couldn't tell her what was wrong cause the voice whispered in my head again. She didn't need to be involved in my problems. I would just drag her down.

So, I didn't tell her.

I walked to 2nd block and was silent the whole time. I didn't say a word. Then I walked with Alexander to 3rd block and he asked what was wrong and I told him,

   " I'm just not thinking right. "

   " Oh. Well, I hope you get better. "

   " Thanks. "

Then it was back to silence.

I didn't talk to him or Iris in 3rd block. I didn't even want to eat lunch. I lost my appetite, but I forced myself to eat because I had skipped one day of lunch and I couldn't make it two days in a row. So I forced myself to eat.

I felt terrible. I felt like crying. I felt tired and done. I still feel tired and done. I feel like everyone else would be better off without me. The truth of that reveals itself more to me every day. the truth of that is they would be better off without me. 

I know they would.

In 4th block, I read my book and listened to some music trying to calm down, but it didn't work. In 5th I decided to fake my smile for another hour until I'm alone and can go home. So that's exactly what I did. 

I texted Richard cause I wanted to talk about it with someone and he was the first person I thought to text but he never replied and the little voice in my head whispered that it's because He hates me. He doesn't want to be my friend anymore and that I should just quit.

I never got a reply so I listened to the voice. 

I got home and found out that he blocked me on Instagram and the thought came back again.  From there I made the conclusion that he hated me. I did something wrong and I didn't know what it was. 

I told Wheezey about it and she tried to cheer me up but I didn't help. Nothing helped. She told me she was sorry. I told Rain and she sent me a video of funny moments of a band I like. I didn't do much.

I just worried about everything the entire day.

I felt useless.

I still feel useless. 

INTERRUPTION

I can't do anything right. Not one single thing. I'm a terrible thing. How I know I am is because when I text something and/or say something none of my friends respond to it. It's happened to me too many times for me to not see it. I would say something and they wouldn't say anything back. That's how I know it's true.

So I felt entirely useless. I'm listening to the voice more honestly and I don't know what to do about it. Cause people can lie and say that I a pretty and my mind will think its a lie. It's cause I don't know how to tell that they are telling the truth or not. I don't know if someone is telling the truth so it goes to a lie instantly. 

I can't see myself as anything except that I am useless.

I am useless, nothing, and finished.

I feel like I should be alone.

INTERRUPTION OVER

I cried. 

I physically cried cause I just wanted my friends to be okay and I wanted to feel okay. I felt like there was nothing I could do.

My fear bubbled and came to reality. Richard blocked me, and isn't talking to me, Rain isn't feeling alright and she doesn't want to talk about it or talk to me. I can't tell Nora anything cause I don't want to drag her into it. I'm losing conversations with Alexander and Petunia.

I was losing my friends.

My biggest fear came to life and I could only sit on the floor, against a wall, and cry. 

All I could do was cry. I didn't even want to get up. I wanted to just sit there and rot away. To disappear. Why couldn't I have fallen down a hole and went to Wonderland? That's the only place I want to go to. Wonderland. A place full of crazy happiness and people. Why can't something happen to where I can go to wonderland. My favorite place in the world. Or have God reach his hand down and take me away as he did with Enoch and Elijah.

God is with me, but he didn't take me away. He sat beside me.

When this is published the day would have been 2 days ago. Yet, as I type this,

I'm crying tears