Hello And Welcome To My Life

Chapter 28

Have you ever felt done? 

No no no not done with a test or done with the school/work week, but done with life.

Y'know you're just tired of the world and you're just done with everything.

There's a song that I listen to that really describes my feelings a lot. It's called Empty by: Olivia  O'Brien. That song speaks to me on a level only certain people can understand.

Honestly, I'm tired.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know what to say or think anymore.

I don't know anymore.

All I know is that I'm tired. My emotions are tired. I feel like if I shed tears now then it'll be because I'm to much of a pussy to actually try and make a mark on myself.

There are many things I could do, but I don't want to die in those ways. If I die I want it to be in these few ways.

1) When I'm old

2) Standing up for something I believe in

3) When ever it's time.

I know you all are confused about 3. I'l explain, you know some kids and adults pass away at a young age? Well I've always thought that if I were to die the age I am then its my time. It's not something that can be forced by number 2.

I couldn't drown myself. My body would react and try to pull myself out, plus I don't like the pain of water being up my nose I don't want to feel the pain of water flowing into my body. it gives me shivers now.

I couldn't hang myself. Again my body would react and try to save myself. Plus I don't want my mother seeing my body hang from the ceiling. It's not something she deserves to see. 

It's funny. I've talked about this with a friend of mine. We bonded over this type of thing. I'm not going to say her name but we were and both still stuck in a bad situation. Her with her father and me with my life problems. I'm going to say it and not regret it, but she has it worse than me. I told if she ever needs anything to give me a call.

But back to the topic.

We bonded over this because it's hard to admit or find someone who feels the same. It takes a lot of courage and strength to admit it to someone. You're always afraid that they'll react in the way you fear. They'll treat you like it's nothing and that you are being dramatic.

That's why I don't tell anyone. I'm afraid they won't believe me and leave me. Fear is a funny thing. It can consume you and you don't know how to get out. 

We both also told each other that we both planned out our deaths. She said she use to plan hers and i admit that I did to.

I told her that I use to write notes saying I was nothing. That was all 

   ' I am nothing ' would be written on papers all over my room.

   " I used to think no one would miss me if I were gone. " I told her

   " I would be devastated if you died. " She said to me.

That surprised me. It really did because I thought no one would miss me if I died. I thought they would forget about me quickly. If some of them shed tears I knew they would get over me. I would take time, but they would.

Life 

would

continue

it's not like if I die time stops. It'll continue, there will just be a very very very small person missing from the world. Someone who doesn't matter. Someone who doesn't believe in herself. Someone that puts herself down all the time because she's done that all her life. Someone who doesn't think they are worth anything.

   " I'm f***ed up but I don't want to be. "

That's from the song I mentioned earlier. I wonder if you have listened to it yet. Maybe. Maybe not. I don't want to be this way, but it's nothing you can just pause or stop. 

   " I wonder if I'm good enough. "

That's also another few lyrics from the song. It's also the thought I have 24/7. I always ask myself if I'm good enough to do anything. The song also says,

   " It's hard to resist when there's plenty of things I could do to f*** me up. I wanna let go but I'm feeling so stuck. So all I can do is fill up my cup and sit there hoping no one disrupts. "

Now that line, I relate the best to. 

There's so many things I can do to end it all and to decrease my health and mentality with. But,

I can't.

I feel stuck. 

I can't do it. As I've said before I feel stuck and every time that I tried to cut it wouldn't work cause something would go wrong. I feel stuck. It's like there is a tiny part of me that says not to do it, but then again who am I to know. I don't know.

So all I can do is sit around and let that depression consume me. Hoping no one will disrupt that cause it'll hurt more. 

I've left that depressed state, but it comes back a few times when I'm thinking about my future. I try to get rid of it, but it doesn't leave willingly. It leaves when it wants.

I never want to go back to the level I was at when I was going through these times. It drove me crazy. I still feel crazy. All I can really do is pray to God and hope he'll answer my pray to help fix me. I feel broken. I feel empty and alone. I hope God can make me feel better and more happy and loving.

Maybe this is why my friends say I need a boyfriend.