Totoo na ba ito?

46 : Make it Up

For the sake of my baby, I tried my best to calm the fuck down.

Inirapan ko ang tila takot na si Jette at dahan-dahang naglakad pabalik sa hardin, mariin ang hawak sa aking damit. Happy and pleasant thoughts, Maddison. Think about happy and pleasant thoughts. Don't mind anyone who's probably watching as you walk away.

"M-Ma'am, ayos lang po kayo?" Perla asked as she saw me.

Tumango ako nang walang imik at muling naupo sa duyan. I tried to breathe softly as I could, just to stop myself from lashing out. Hindi ko namalayang kunot-noo ko nang pinagmamasdan ang impit na sinag ng araw at ang kalangitang nagdidilim. Naging tahimik naman ang aming mga kasambahay, marahil ay napansin nilang wala ako sa mood para makipag-usap.

Of course Ashton would find out. Hindi ko lang talaga naisip na ganito kaaga at sa ganitong paraan pa. Sana lang talaga ay hindi niya na ako gambalain.

In my periphery, I noticed our maids leave all of a sudden. Hindi ako gumalaw, kahit na noong naramdaman ko na kung bakit sila nagsialisan.

Ashton blocked the view as soon as he stood in front of me. Nanatili akong pirmi, diretso ang tingin sa kanyang damit at walang balak na umimik o gumalaw man. I hate how I feel everytime he's this close. And to think we haven't seen each other for a few months, parang walang nagbago sa akin. Ganito pa rin. I promised myself to be better. I guess that idea just flew out of the window. Kumurap-kurap ako upang pigilan ang mga luhang kaagad na nagbabadyang kumawala. What the hell, Maddison? Dahil ba 'to sa pagbubuntis ko o hindi? My jaw tensed at the thought of how I'd end up crying, and it's not because of my pregnancy hormones.

"H-Hey..." Ashton's voice came out small. Lumuhod siya sa aking harapan at ginawa ko ang lahat upang hindi magtagpo ang aming mga mata.

My lips trembled as I fought back my tears. Ni hindi ko alam bakit ako naiiyak! Pinilit kong ikunot pa ang aking noo habang sinusubukang tingnan nang diretso ang mga tanim at araw na sa wakas ay lumubog na. I clenched my fists, even hoping it would help me stop my tears from falling.

Ashton reached for my face and I felt too weak to swat his hand. Itinikom ko ang aking bibig. Mariin akong pumikit nang tuluyang kumawala ang mga luhang traydor. Mas lalo kong ikinuyom ang aking mga kamao. Congratulations, Maddison. You just cried in front of him.

"I missed you," he whispered. "And I'm still sorry."

Umiling na lamang ako at kinagat ang aking labi. He wiped my tears lightly with his thumb. Mas lalo akong ginanahang pumikit. Kapag tiningnan ko siya, alam kong iyon na ang katapusan. Alam kong susuko ulit ako sa kanya, kung hindi pa iyon ang ginagawa ko ngayon.

Nagpatuloy ako sa pag-iling kahit alam kong para na akong tanga. Ashton's other hand kept my fists from clenching too tight. Hinaplos niya ang aking mga kamay na para bang natatakot siyang wakliin ko ang mga iyon nang biglaan. His quivering thumb never stopped wiping my tears.

I felt pain—too much of it. But then I would be lying if I said I didn't feel happy, too. Still, I know I have to push him away. Hindi puwedeng ganito. Hindi puwedeng sa tuwing gusto naming balikan o saktan ang isa't-isa ay iyon ang gagawin namin.

Ilang sandali kaming nanatiling ganoon habang hinahayaan niya akong umiyak. I felt ashamed for being so emotional but I guess I just had to let this out.

"A-Ashton.. please leave," I still managed to say, even with my trembling lips and troubled mind.

"I won't leave again," he gently said, caressing my hands softly.

Suminghap ako at unti-unting dumilat nang sinisiguradong hindi ako magkakamaling tingnan siya. "Y-You'll just make.. make things worse. I-I'm okay now-"