Tuesday, April 7th, 2020.
You ever just wonder when it's going to happen? When your procrastination is finally going to undo you, when all those special walls you've built around the hidden parts of you that you never want anyone to see will all come crumbling down? When all those careful crafted lies and secrets you've built up into the you others see will fall and show your true self?
I've been thinking about it a lot lately, especially with being stuck in quarantine for Week 4, Day 23. I'm stuck with my family, people who only "know me" as their straight, sarcastic, Catholic daughter who hates a lot of things and loves solitude, books, and writing stuff they've never really seen. 'Course I have my theories that my mom thinks I'm gay, and my dad definitely thinks I'm leaning towards atheism, but whatever.
Let me get a couple things straight: I'm not. I'm asexual (if you don't know what that is I'll explain it to you soon). I lean towards atheism and possibly acknowledging the pagan gods of old (not worship, just a hesitant belief). I'm a painfully introverted girl who does like interacting with certain people but gets super anxious when even thinking of talking to someone I don't know. Also, fanfics. That's what I write and can't show anyone in my family. In case you didn't already know.
Back to the terror!
Think about it: when will those different parts of you that you keep separate for different people finally collide and shatter people's perceptions of you? When will it all come to light about things you'd rather forget? What will happen when someone you trust betrays you and stand you in the back? What will happen when the life you've created online is found by your parents who destroyed your first online life by betraying your trust in them?
What would happen if your parents found out about those darkest secrets you have? Like the fact that you've read smut, or write fanfiction, or lie all the time around them, or are gay/bi/pan/ace/poly, or that you're trans/non binary/gender queer, or that you've repressed your emotions a lot, especially around them. What about when they find out that you don't believe in the faith they've grown up in and have raised you in?
What happens when you finally break down and spill everything you've bottle up inside? What will come out? How much will you regret? What consequences will fall on to you because of any and all of that?
That's what I wonder about a lot at night. When will everything crash down and remind me that life can never be as good as I wish it would be?
Comment and tell me your response, or some worries in a similar vein you have! Release the stuff you've been bottling up, it feels really good.
~Ink
