Monday, August 10, 2020
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Okay so it sounds like y'all want to have a Q&A! And that's great, but I need some questions to answer!! Comment as many as you like, I need a lot!
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I want to paint my nails black like my soul but my parents will call me emo.....
And I want to blast my music but my sister and parents would yell at me.......
And I want to sing along to my music but I'm so self conscious about my voice from literal years of yelling at me to watch my volume from basically everyone that I can barely do it when I'm alone.......
And I want to cut my hair but I don't know how short I should go and I know how bitchy people will get around me
"Oh you finally cut it?"
OH I'M SORRY BOY WHO CALLED HIMSELF OPPRESSED FOR BEING AN ATHEIST IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS WHO COULD BE KILLED AT ANY TIME FOR HOLDING A GIRL'S HAND IN PUBLIC, DID YOU SHAVE OFF THE CATERPILLAR GROWING ON YOUR LIP YOU LITTLE PIECE OF-
*sigh*
I'm sorry, I'm not having a good day.
It's just.... I look around at my life and it's just, mistake after mistake after mistake.
And I push away things I don't want to think about because if I do I'll get swept under the crushing waves of regret upon regret upon regret, it'll swallow me whole.
And I try to love myself, but then something's stick in my head and I end up trying to drown myself in music, in videos, in writing, in anything before I stop to even have time to thing about it. I need to distract myself because otherwise I'll start thinking, I'll start worrying, I'll start over analyzing everything I've ever said and/or done. I'll lose myself in the self loathing, in the hate, in the countless mistakes I've made.
And I try, I try to tune the thoughts out, the memories and feelings and everything, I try to move on but I can't. All I do is delay it and I can't say anything to anyone because I don't know what to do and I don't want to be even more of a freak, the "special" one of the family. Because I try so hard to fit in when I need to. When it comes to the family, I try to be what I'm supposed to be with them. But I want to do things, things they would never approve of or understand. Things they've insulted in my presence. And it hurts.
Lord knows I need therapy, for everything and nothing, but I bring it up one time and then everything blows up and now I'll never get to.
Because my dad snapped a ligament in his arm so the money goes to his arm.
Because we need to replace the widows and the siding on the house.
Because Covid hit and now we need desks for online school.
Because my sister gets a laptop from the school that my parents "rent".
Because let's be real, I'm the First Child.
I'm the one they got to make mistakes with and expect me to be fine.
I'm the smart one, the strong one, the one who is always fine.
I'm the one who paces the way for my sister.
I'm the test dummy, the lab mouse.
Who cares how I feel, how I'm breaking apart at the seams, how I'm not okay but as long as I act fine and lie through my teeth it means I'm fine.
I bet none of them have noticed that I rarely eat breakfast.
I bet all they've noticed is how I'm on my phone or iPad or the laptop.
I bet they don't notice how I do all the chores while my sister relaxes.
I bet all they see is the chores I failed to do.
I bet all they see are my flaws and mistakes and not the cries for help disguised in every thing I do.
And sometimes....
I think that's all I see too.
Stay safe kiddos and remember to eat something today/tonight.
Love you <3<3<3
~Ink
