Friday, June 26, 2020
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Pride Day 26: pets
My dad had these two black Labradors, a girl named Pebbles and a boy named Rowdy (both are strays), before he got married to my mom. I grew up with those dogs, they were family. Pebbles died first, then we had to put Rowdy down and I (for better or worse) was there in the room when that happened. Let's just say I'm not over it yet *not crying not crying not crying*
After those two we got a giant dog, I forget his breed. He has serve separation anxiety and wrecked our house when we were out, so we had to give him back.
Now we have two cats. They're both strays so we have no idea what breed. The first one is named Fuzzy (white with black spots) and the second one is Marshmallow (she's the black cat with a white stomach which makes no sense for her name).
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TRIGGER WARING: yelling, passive aggressive nicknames, being called useless, mentioned suicide, considered suicide, mentioned cutting.
My dad.
Now, in all 80 chapters of this, I've never really vented about my dad. I never have a problem with my dad usually, I get along with him better than the rets of my family sometimes. But then, there's the one day where I'm just not in the mood.
See, he's a joker. He jokes a lot, teases, the casual stuff you do to people you love. It's never bothered me. And sometimes he gets mad, like shouting a lot mad. That always scared me a bit, but he doesn't do it often, and it's usually about a work problem so it's fine. But... well...
I'm starting to notice that a lot of his nicknames/lighthearted jabs are pretty hurtful.
"Stinky" -mine
"Bottomless pit"-my sibling
"Pokey" (as in slow to get moving) -my sibling
"Useless children" -both of us
And it's starting to hit differently.
I mean, I'm starting to pick up on small things.
The way I'm always scared of angry man yelling at me, even though I've never been hit by one.
The way I've always been scared of eating too much.
The way I'm always moving fast by myself, as if I just can't be slow.
The way I'm always terrified to be late, to the point that I'm worried if I'm only a minute early.
The way I'm scared to be useless but feel like I'm being used all the time.
Is it an internalizing things he says thing? Is it a subconscious thing about being a girl in this society? Is it a me thing? Is it an anxiety thing? Who knows, not me that's for sure.
And then when he yells...
Well, Day 79? That apathy break down? That was triggered in part by overhearing my dad complaining loudly to my mom that my sister and I were useless, that we sat around at home all day and didn't do a thing chores-wise.
And I get that he had a point, we didn't empty and fill the dishwasher or do the handwashables like we should have. But it wasn't that, it was the way he called us useless and the anger he had in his voice.
And I know that my sister overheard that as well. I have no idea what her mental health is like, but I know exactly what that did to me and well... you read chapter 79...
After what I overheard we had dinner, during which my dad had a talk with us about doing chores. I half wanted to run away and half wanted to start crying. I honestly may have slipped into a second wave of apathy during that. I've never eaten with such coldness. There was barely any talking from me, I'm pretty sure I didn't show emotion.
Oh, and don't get me started on his stance on suicide.
Did you know that he openly told me that he thought that people who committed suicide were stupid? Did you know that I, at the time, day dreamed about how I would kill myself? Not in a "I'm going to" way, in a "how would I do it, if I wanted to?". Did you know that, at the time, I had a friend who was cutting? That basically all of my friends at the time had either had or were having suicidal thoughts? That those words have bounced around in my head since the day he said them, reminding me daily that if I or one of my friends did commit suicide, that that is what he would think of the person? That he could think of me like that, his smart elder daughter?
Anyway, that's what's going on.
Should I see a therapist? Definitely.
Will I see a therapist? Almost a 100% nope. Like 99.90% no chance.
Do I want to see one? ...yeah. Yeah I do. I have no idea how they'd help, but maybe they could take this mess and break it down, make it so I could understand what's going on in my head.
Stay safe kiddos, make sure to cuddle with a blanket or pillow tonight okay?
I love you all <3<3<3<3
~Ink
