Monday, May 4, 2020
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May the Fourth be With You!!
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Do you remember what pure, untainted happiness felt like?
And I mean really pure happiness, the type where nothing lurked at the back of your mind, whispers talking of all the ways you're horrible and disgusting, anxiety or depression welling up to ruin everything, worries or pressure or stress building in the back. None of that. Just pure, freeing happiness.
The kind where everything, the whole world, is just the happiness and the things/people/event(s) that lead to the happiness.
Where you feel like you're on top of the world.
You're not tired, you feel no pain, there's nothing but the happiness and you.
You don't have to stay silent as a grave and express your happiness on the inside. You're screaming and jumping around and freaking out and you're not scared of being heard.
You're not fighting a smile because you aren't in the right situation, you're smiling and laughing and crying happy tears.
You're not hiding in a corner to enjoy it, you're wherever you are and celebrating!
I miss that feeling.
Feels like the only time I had that was when I was a child, with a child's innocence and trust and love.
But now I'm a teenager. I can't afford to be innocent, not in this economy. I can't afford to have unlimited trust, that's how you get hurt. I can't afford to be loving to everyone, it'll only lead to me getting taken advantage of.
I have whispers that tell me I'm never enough, unnamed and undiagnosed possible illnesses welling up inside of my mind, stress and pressure and worries building and building up inside of me.
I feel like I'm falling off of the world, falling down down down to the other people who've been abandoned by the ones who rule the world.
I'm tired all the time, pain is normal if not inconvenient, happiness feels abnormal some days.
I have to be silent so I can keep what small scraps of happiness I find.
I have to fight a smile because it could all be taken away from me if I don't.
I hide in a corner to celebrate, because if I want to be myself then I have to hide.
We weren't always this way.
We were happy, once.
We were innocent, once.
We were trusting, once.
We loved without fear, once.
We were rulers of our mind, once.
We were on top of them all, once.
We slept well and long, once.
We avoided pain easily, once.
We never ran out of happiness, once.
We were loud without filters, once.
We smiled and laughed whenever, once.
We lived in the light and not the shadows, once.
We weren't always like this.
What happened to us?
Stay safe kiddos, we'll overthrow the government soon.
I love every single one of you <3<3<3
~Ink
