Monday, April 13, 2020
How is it that when I leave the living room to go to bed I'm 'being a downer' and 'mean' but when I wanted to stay up three years ago I was 'being stubborn' and 'seriously kid go to bed'?
Like yeah, I wanted to stay up late.... a couple years ago when I didn't have trouble sleeping and massive amounts of homework to finish up and didn't have secret online fanfic accounts.
But now...
Now I do have trouble sleeping and massive amounts of homework and secret online fanfic accounts that my parents would shut down and judge me for and then claim I'm 'betraying their trust in me' for wanting to write and get feedback from people who don't judge me for liking certain fandoms and ships.
Why is it that when I want something I can't have it, or if I do get it I'm judged heavily for having it?
Sleep for an example.
I never used to want sleep because I had this thing called energy and a will to live, but my parents always forced me to get to bed early and sleep (even though I never did).
But now I do want sleep because energy is an abstract concept and a will to live is extinct, but I can't have it because I should want to stay up and be with the family. Sorry, but no. I can only handle so much social interaction and humans, and then I need to hide away in my room and actually enjoy myself by reading or being online and having fun with my fandoms. Plus I need at least five hours of sleep to operate at the minimum, otherwise I'm more snappish and will murder anyone who gets in my way, so that's nice.
Like, you taught me to want to be healthy and get sleep but??? now you don't want me??? to be healthy???? and get sleep???? I am confusion??????????
Basically I used to be a kid who actually operated well and now I'm an anxious teen who can barely function properly without caffeine or something that can wake me up and keep me up.
And I wonder where my life went in the years in between.
Anyways, stay safe kiddos!
Platonic love!! <3<3
~Ink
