Wednesday, September 2, 2020
~~~
I was in a lock out (where no one can leave the building but classes go on as usual) at school for several hours.
My psychology class was chaotic and I ended up feeling a bit like a failure, even though my personality type literally told me that I take any criticism to mean I'm an awful human being and a failure. Mainly because I have really low self esteem and immediately start thinking bad about myself at the slightest hint that I'm a terrible person.
My calculus class also has me feeling like I'm in over my head. I mean, we're reviewing Algebra 2 then doing all of prep calculus in the first semester, then the first semester of AP calculus in second semester. Then, if I take accelerated calculus next year, I'd be taking the second semester of calculus first semester, and even more advanced stuff second semester. Like, I can barely add twelve and fifteen in my head without taking a minute.
Oh and my shoes came untied three times in the hallways so I had to walk with untied shoes to my classes, then tie them under the desk so I felt soooooo good.
Then of course it's just awkward because we can't be within six feet of people inside classrooms so no making friends that way, and because of the masks the ~awkward silence~ is upped to the max. So anytime I talk I feel like I'm too loud or talking too much and I didn't sign up for that!
I got a headache that started in calculus and went on for a couple hours after I got home.
But I did win a Kahoot in history class so there's that.
And I took cute pictures of myself with my hair down after school.
But my psych homework talked a lot about self care and I was like "mate, my self care practices are reserved for people who read 149 chapters of me talking about my thoughts, feelings, and life or people who I care about. You sir, are not there yet."
Also I have to do at least two presentations about me on Friday already and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm AN INTROVERT I run AWAY from presentations and people and being emotionally vulnerable with people I don't know. Plus I have low self esteem, if I mess up I will have a very strong urge to get myself off a cliff or into a cave and never show my face again.
But- nah you guys deserve the truth. I'm not okay. I'm scared about messing up. I'm scared of talking too much or not enough or too loudly or too quietly or just being too something.
I already major issues with my body and self confidence, and my self esteem and general happiness with myself and self assuredness.
First days at school make me nervous. But with everything else on top of it, I'm a wreck pretending to be okay.
Stay safe kiddos, make sure to eat at least little something right now!
Love you <3<3<3
~Ink
