Have you ever just, lost all motivation you have? For everything?
School is pointless. You don't have the drive to work. You just want to lay around watching YouTube videos and never be disturbed by humanity again.
Yeah that's been the last month for me. What is motivation? Never heard of her.
I have an entire project for one class due tomorrow and honestly I'm considering just not turning it in or showing up to class anymore because I. Don't. Care.
Is the teacher a pretty good teacher? Yes. Will I feel guilt skipping out? Gallons of regret, enough to drown me in. Do I seriously have no motivation to just do it? Yes.
Just three more days of school and then I'm free, but at what cost?
I have no motivation.
My mom's going to give me so many chores to do.
She's also probably try to lock my iPad and phone away from me again.
I have so many things I know I wanted to do but don't have any drive to actually do anymore.
I just feel so apathetic all the time... I know what I should be doing, I know the consequences if I don't, I have so much fear of what will happen if I don't do anything, but I just can't.
It feels like I'm messing up so badly, like I'm slipping into something definitely not good, but so long as I keep acting like everything's fine everyone's happy.
For example, I didn't write the introduction or the conclusion to my English essay that was due today, until this morning. No one knew though, because I said I did it and they believed me. I claimed that my essay was great until I had to cut it down by two pages, but in reality it was probably pretty trashy.
My mom keeps asking everyone if they're okay, and we always reply with yeah. But I'm not okay. But she doesn't know that, because as long as I act like the me she knows it's fine. As long as I pretend I'm fine while stilling being the me she knows, it's fine. As long as I bite my tongue and not say a word I long to scream, it's fine. Because I'm fine.
Maybe part of the problem is that I can't do a single thing without being analyzed by my mom. Maybe it's the fact that I miss having at least an hour or two by myself, where I can scream song lyrics and watch movies without being worried about keeping up appearances.
Maybe it's the fact that school is no longer separate from my home and I don't have a place to recharge, to feel unstressed. Because everything's a stressful place now, even my own sanctuary.
Everything's falling apart and no one will know, because no one can know.
~~~
Wrote this a up a couple hours ago:
I got tagged by @Angsty_Virgil (Okay you know what, I'm just tagging people in the comments if it won't tag them in here)
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~Sanders Sides themed~
1. Favorite movie?
Umm, a lot. Let's just say Princess Bride.
2. Favorite tv show?
None? I haven't watched tv shows that I want to watch in so long... I guess Murder, She Wrote. It's an older show, but really fun and pretty chill.
3. Favorite app?
Pintrest or Wattpad (though I use the website for both). I'm not allowed to have any "fun" apps on my phone so I have to use the websites...
4. Favorite side?
Tie between Virgil and Janus.
5. Favorite ship?
Prinxiety!
6. Which side to take with to a deserted island?
Logan, because he'd be able to get us off the island and wouldn't flirt with me.
7. Least favorite ship?
Besides RemRom? Moxiety.
8. Tags
Um, sorry ahead of time?
@beautifulcollections
@Anxious_Bi_Bean
@Heyhowareyoukiddo
And anyone reading this right now.
Stay safe kiddos, make sure to take off your binder once in a while.
