Thursday, July 16, 2020
~~~
Do you ever get the feeling that you have so many things you want to do, but you have no idea how to start or how to find out how to find out so you just don't and everyone's disappointed in you for not doing/not knowing certain things. And it's not just that, it's the knowledge that if everything wasn't so messed up right now and if you just knew what to do you would do it in a heartbeat.
And maybe it's not even that, it's the fact that no matter what you do, no matter how you act, all they will ever see is what you're not doing, the flaws. And when they do see something they're proud of, they seem to twist it, to make it lose value almost, to profit from it.
Like, I act the perfect daughter, good student, rarely asking for anything, accept the set bedtime that is seriously stupid but whatever. And yet, that's not enough. An A/B in an Honors course? You can do better. Making it me so scared of you questioning my buys that I just don't buy anything. Question if I'm even a real teenager if I so willingly go to my room and act responsible about my sleep.
Seriously what more do they want from me?
I thought staying in my house for a couple weeks would be great, but then I realized I was trapped with my family in my house. And then they never left.
Five months.
It's been five months.
It took a month for me to need to do this book to vent.
Some days are better than others, this has helped a lot.
But if I'm supposed to play a part, I need a script or a low amount of scenes. I can't play a part I barely know, to a script that doesn't exist, in a never-ending scene. Improv only works for so long, and I fear the curtain call is fast approaching me.
I can fake it till I make it, but I've been waiting for a long, long time and it hasn't kicked in yet.
Stay safe kiddos and remember my pms are always open.
I love you <3<3<3
~Ink
