Saturday, May 2, 2020
I have so much to do that I should be doing right now but my head has been pounding since 11:00 this morning and I'm obnoxiously tired and in all honesty I really just want to cuddle with my blankets, maybe listen to some soothing music on low, and sleep for the next week.
BUT before I do that, this is going to be made! Because to be honest this has kinda become a twisted version of a diary but for ranting and explaining things and thinking stuff through and basically things I never expected anyone to actually want to read... So I'm going to pull up some music on YouTube, slip on my headphones, and just write about the different masks I wear.
~~~
Family Mask
I may refer to family in different ways so let me clear that up quickly: my "family" means my biological relatives and others dropped in that are considered family, and when I say "friends" or "friend group" or "friend family" I mean the same thing which boils down to the people I'm closest to, trust without a doubt, and whom I would both kill for and die for without hesitation.
I hide most of my fandoms besides the main players: Harry Potter, Star Wars, and Marvel. I also try to hide my knowledge and theories on even the main fandoms I don't hide, due to that being suspicious to them.
I hide most of my emotions, opinions, and levels of comfort in this setting, often because I don't want to upset someone, be considered a "rebellious teen", or be labeled as unusual/untrustworthy.
When around my immediate family (mom, dad, sibling), I'm a a little more comfortable around but when I'm around my more extended family I get uncomfortable quickly and end up snacking and drinking a lot of water to keep people from talking to me and to distract myself from the awkwardness.
I tend to come off as a quiet, shy, polite girl who is very mature for her age and very studious. When around my immediate family I crack dad jokes and puns a lot, in addition to that.
School Mask
I hide all fandoms unless one of them comes up in conversation. I also hide all theories and knowledge unless asked/prompted into talking.
I am more open about certain emotions, but often hide my confusion, anger, stress, and hatred. I never hold back on my options because it's not like they'll tell my family and plus they're a lot more progressive than my old school (hello ancient ideas and ideals!). As for my level of comfort, that really depends where I am, who I'm with, and what I'm doing; it varies a lot.
I often feel more comfortable at school, simply because I can be me without attracting too much attention and literally no one gives a care if I wear graphic tees or openly support LGBT+ because that's okay. Needless to say, that didn't happen at my old school.
I tend to come off as a quiet studious girl until you get me to warm up to you, then I can't stop talking and then you find out I'm a walking disaster who is kinda self-destructive like we all are nowadays.
Friends Mask
I hold back almost none of my fandoms, mostly the only reason I hold a fandom back is because they are more graphic/extreme material or because they're a small/not well known fandom. If asked, I will gladly start up a long conversation about theories and stuff mentioned in the canon with any of them.
I try to be as open as I can with my friends, because they deserve to know what's going on but because of different schools we mostly talk via text and I haven't been as open as I would like to be. I hold back none of my opinions because we will either agree and rant together for a while or start a debate and argue for a bit and then drop it until the next bout. As for comfort levels, I usually always feel safe and comfortable.
When I have my friends with me, I feel like I can be myself and don't feel like I have to filter myself as much as I normally do so I'm usually very comfortable. If I'm not, it's either because I'm in an awkward situation (talking to their parents) or I'm being/feeling awkward (happens a lot too).
I feel like my friends see me as a fierce smol child who will murder without question for things she loves and is passionate about everything she cares about. I think what others who see me with my friends see me as a happy, outgoing girl who is a bit crazy but so are her friends.
Online Mask
I hide nothing. I will and have ranted about theories I have or have seen about any and all of my fandoms.
Emotion wise I hide almost nothing, except occasionally when I say I'm fine but I'm not fine. Opinion wise, I hold nothing back. You know exactly how I feel because I won't hold back! Comfort level wise, I feel both very safe and very wary, as I can be myself completely online but I have to be careful about certain things like my real name, where I live, how old I am, etc.
I still feel the most comfortable online because I can say a lot I would never be able to say offline, like adopting people as my children (comment if I've adopted you, I need to make sure I'm keeping track of all you beautiful kids) or swearing or geeking out or write fanfic or sing out entire songs with people on a thread in the comment section.
And I have no idea how you guys see me so um, comment here with your analysis of me? I guess? I don't know, I'd like to hear what you guys think of me after 26 chapters of me barring my mind/heart/soul to y'all.
Stay safe kiddos!! And put that knife down, no killing your housemates!
I love y'all <3<3
~Ink
