Sunday, April 19, 2020
Do you ever feel like you're not wanted or accepted as who you truly are or belong even though you should?
Sometimes- no, usually when I'm with my family I get the feeling like if I'm not deadly careful, I could let something slip that could jeopardize everything. Their love, their support, having a phone and school iPad, being able to spend most of my time in my room, though that's a balancing act all on it's own.
On top of that I sometimes wonder what it feels to be free, to be myself without apologies on the tip of my tongue, to not be scared I'm about to frighten away the people I depend upon.
Plus, I just don't feel like I belong. I am their blood, we share years of memories, my first fandom was from books they read to me when I was younger. But now... all that and yet I'm not enough. I don't feel like I'm enough. Like being me, simply me, is enough. I've never really felt like that except with my friends which are more like family and online.
I don't know, I just feel like no matter what I do, if I want to be happy, I'm going to have to come clean about a lot, and I am almost 100% certain they'll react badly to at least one or three of the things I'll have to come clean about.
Like that I'm an atheist.
I'm ace.
I have multiple accounts online for writing.
I have a private email account no one knows about.
Not to mention some of the stuff I enjoy! Such as:
Fanfic!! I love writing it! I love my personal characters and their plots, but I love fanfic as well!!
Certain fandoms I'm in! Ex: Sander Sides, Be More Chill, Good Omens.
Certain ships! All the non-canon gay ones, and even some of the straight ships. Just, ships.
My music choice! I have a large variety of love for music, from P!ATD to TØP to Imagine Dragons to AC/DC to Werid Al to Beatles to any 70s and later bands with proper music. They don't like quote "emo bands".
My preferred career! I want to be a writer, an editor/librarian until my writing, if it does take off, can support me full time. My parents would prefer I followed them and became an engineer, but that's another story/rant for another day.
Just gotta wait til college and I have the money they've saved up for me for college, then I'll come clean. Just a couple more years.
Gods I probably should contact a therapist.
The amount of love for this, roughly 160+ views and 40+ votes, is incredible!! Thank you so much for everyone reading, voting, and commenting!! You guys are one of the best things that've happened to me!!!
Needless to say, stay safe kiddos!!
All my love! <3<3<3
~Ink
