Wednesday, April 8, 2020
You know when it's just one of those crappy days or week? And no matter what you do, everything keeps falling apart? And no one can see it because you've become a good liar and good at denying stuff.
I broke a bowl two days ago. It was early in the morning, wasn't awake enough to process and then bang! The bowl slipped and shattered next to my bare feet. I stared at it for a long time before asking my dad to grab the dustpan. No shards in my feet, but my sister brought it up as to why we're down a bowl and got mad at me for a bit because basically, "how could you?! That was one of three special bowls and why did you shatter a bowl?!!" Yeah that was nice...
Then my teachers decided to pile projects on me so now I have two projects due tomorrow plus a test. PLUS a project I turned in and apparently "wasn't what she was looking for" or something so now I have to redo that and I have so many teachers' work to do in one day and there's about three to four different platforms I check every hour to keep up to date on work and it's just a lot okay?!
And there's being stuck with my family, people I don't feel like I belong with, who are always hurting me with their words they think are teasing but just pick at my flaws. Thanks mom for commenting on how I need to exercise! Little do you know, body positivity is something I've been struggling with for years! Thanks sis for pointing out how I have very few friends and rarely go out of my room! One of my biggest fears is using or being used by my friends so I have trouble with being comfortable around people and that's why I never come out of my room! Also, the friends I do have are really important to me but I don't know how to talk to they without face to face conversation without coming off as clingy so it's not like I've been stressing about that since middle school! Thank you so f*cking much for making me feel so nice and good and happy to be stuck with you for weeks!
And then of course one of my assignments has been flagged as missing and I'm freaking out because bad grades and I can't fail and what will my parents say?!
And then Wattpad is having issues so I couldn't see my notifications for most of the day and then when I saved this to go do something then come back it wasn't showing up and I was so angry and tired and done...
And of course this and the next week are big in my family's faith so my mom's all up in our faces about holiness and praying and trusting in God and church services which is great and I'm not trying to shame any religion, but I don't believe in it. It hurts me whenever she pushes it because everyone's so trusting in God and believing but I have nothing! I don't feel anything when I try to pray or believe! And I look around my room, my sanctuary, and I see all these crosses and bibles and religious stuff and I want to scream or cry because it isn't me but I can't do anything because who knows what my mom would say if I dared to remove them!
Not to mention! On top of all that! The icing on the crap-tastic cake of bad stuff! Being in such close quarters with my family means when my mom and sister talk about a hot actor or something I can't escape easily. It's even better when, if I make so much as one false move, they might either a) find out I'm ace because it slips out or b) starting poking fun at me that I will end up getting married because if I say that yes he's hot that immediately means I want to get married to someone! I CAN HAVE AESTHETIC ATTRACTION OKAY!? I DON'T WANT TO MARRY SOMEONE UNLESS IT'S FOR THEIR FRIENDSHIP AND 401K!
Basically it's been rough and I'm trying to hold out until Friday (which I have off). Annnnd now it's 10:30pm and I needed to update so many books, especially on a different platform than this... gods I can never catch a break can I?
Alright, bye kiddos! Stay safe, stay home, take care of yourselves, and my pms are always open if you want to talk.
Platonic love to all! <3
~Ink
