Friday, May 22, 2020
~~~
I just love how people demean behaviors they want to encourage.
As an example, I'm very introverted and I prefer to stay in my room instead of say, the living room, unless there's something on that I actually want to watch. Because of that, whenever I come out of my room, either one of my parents or my sibling will make a snarky comment about how I'm "out of [my] bat cave" or "finally decided to join [them]".
And honestly, I didn't need to hear that! It already takes something meaningful to me to get me out of my room and to interact with you guys, but now you have to rub it in my face that I'm not like you and don't come down as much? And you wonder why I don't come down!
Maybe my heart gets crush just a little each time you make a joke about how I stay in my room a lot. Maybe it gets harder to not cry, just a bit, every time you start to eat dinner without me. Maybe my throat squeezes just the tiniest bit tighter every time you "ask" me about clubs or groups to join that you approve of, when you're not really asking but rather telling me. Maybe my lips are sewn shut by just one more stitch every time you downplay, twist, and subtly make fun of my opinions in my face. Maybe......... maybe I am hurt by the things you say to me and the way you act around me.
But of course it's all my fault, I mean, I said it was didn't I?
It's my fault that I stay in my room too much. It's my fault that that I didn't hear you call. It's my fault that I'm never interested in being active and engaged in things. It's my fault that I had incorrect information and false ideas. It's my fault that I'm too sensitive, too emotional, take things too personal.
But maybe.
Maybe it isn't my fault.
Maybe I shrug it off because there's no use in even trying to say that I feel more comfortable in my room than in other rooms of the house. Maybe I didn't hear your call because you never said anything or you didn't say it loud enough to get to my room on the second floor. Maybe I'm just not interested in the things you like and I'm too scared to tell you what I like. Maybe I tried to bring something up and you just never bother to listen to me so I let it go because now you're ranting about life lessons or something when all I wanted to say was that the US isn't the pure saint it paints itself as. Maybe I'm just being human or maybe I have a mental health issue that I'll never find out about.
And maybe all I want to simply be myself without these worries shooting me down. Maybe all I want to know that I could say what I want to say without it being twisted into something I never meant that I can't argue with because I don't want to cause a fight. Maybe I want to feel accepted and not have to hide everything I love in case you try to take it all away from me.
Maybe, all I want, is the knowledge that I'm not just my perceived intelligence. That I'm not just my social abilities. That I'm my passions, my love for my friends, my crazy imagination, my addiction to books and stories. That I'm not just your smart daughter who claims to have issues with talking to people.
Because I'm so much more than that. But all I feel that you see is that. And nothing more.
If it wasn't apparent, the "you" I was referring to is my parents and sometimes my sibling.
Stay kiddos, make sure to do something you love before sleeping so you get those happy chemicals!
All my love <3<3<3
~Ink
