Wednesday, April 29, 2020 (I'll format this later when I care and don't have a 5% battery)
To the girl I used to be.
Dear bookworm,
Do you remember?
The way you buried yourself in the books, so eager to feel and experience everything. You skipped several meals because of that, but you always laughed at yourself and longed to go back to the book when you did eat. Loved your books and their stories and their characters more than yourself, was more comfortable curled up on the scratchy carpet or against the cold wall of day care or school than play8ng with your peers. Fell in love with words, with hardcovers and softcovers and pages and pages of ink filled paper, with wizards and magic and myths and demigods and lions and wardrobes, with history and secrets and friendship and love and adventures.
You never knew, but you absorbed a part of each of those books. Took a piece of them and filled your soul with them, learning to trust in books and stories rather than real people. Oh you made friends, but they became the wrong people and hurt you the most before you took your sword and cut their threads connecting you to them. But the books were a constant companion, entertained you when life didn't, believed in you when others made you confused, loved you when you felt empty. You latched on to those stories like they were a raft to save you from the raging sea. And, they did, didn't they?
They stayed with you, have stayed with you, to the point where they cover your room and walls and floor and comfort you when you see them.
But my dear, they were never enough, were they? You wanted to live them, you wanted to create them, wanted to be a wizard, a demigod, a warrior, an adventurer. You loved those books with all your heart, will and forever love them.
Though, I think you'd be happy to know your heart isn't solely for your books now. You heart belongs to your friends too, now. And these aren't the ones to confuse you, spread rumors, get you in trouble for a food fight that wasn't a food fight, make you do things you regret. These are the ones who love you back, who want to know you more and enjoy your company. Who are happy to joke with you on the floor of a basement and eat pizza while talking about nothing and everything. These are the friends who build you up and hug you and laugh with you without feeling like they're laughing at you. These are the friends who aren't going to call you by a nickname that makes you feel inferior even though you've told them it hurts you. These are the proper friends you never really had back then, but I have now.
And I know you don't care much for the government or politics, it's all messy but the best for everyone, but please, don't get caught up in it. I know you'll learn more in a couple years, but don't let them brainwash you darling. No one is perfect dear, but there are good people out there who may not be as tolerated by your peers as you want to be. People deserve your respect, don't let them tell you otherwise. And if they're odd, so what? Don't let them convince you to despise someone just because they aren't exactly like the others, that's not way to treat them. But, I know you do it understand. That's okay, I'm where I am and that's good enough.
And oh, remember that feeling you got when you never quite felt comfortable with other people? Honey, that was okay. You weren't odd, you didn't have to chalk it up to be strange and try to pretend it wasn't there. It's okay to be shy, to be anxious around people you don't know and even people you do know. It's worse in me now than it was in you then, but that's okay. I'll get the help I need soon, don't you worry.
It does get better, my dear. The pressure won't leave, neither will the anxiety, but nor will the love of books and words nor the love you hold in your heart, nor the way the stars light up your eyes nor the comfort of a cool spring morning when no one is awake but you, when you can be free and one with nature.
Yes the pressure, the feeling of needing to be perfect and excel will never leave, but you've done so much because of that. Not to mention lost sleep, though I swear I'm working to correct that.
Yes the anxiety and shyness will never leave, but it's a part of you. It will lead you to the discovery of being an introvert and the new sense of belonging it will bring you.
Your love for books and words will never desert you, they lead you on through the years and bloom into a fiery passion you know will never leave.
Your love in your heart will never leave, in fact you will find people to give it to. And while you may never fall in love, your friends and adopted children will always be the people of your heart.
The way the stars light up your eyes will never change, you will always be at peace when you see them. They will be a constant and will bring a sense of calm and deep knowledge anywhere.
The comfort of a cool spring morning when no one is awake but you, when you can be free and one with nature will always exist. You may not be able to enjoy it all the time, but it is there.
All these things will stay with you love, never doubt that. And the years will be rough, I won't lie. But they are good to, a mixed bag of bad and good and morally grey. Never give up hope, my child, you'll make it out alive.
I know what mistakes you'll make, my dear, but I don't hate you. I could never hate you my child, you are me and I you, I love you with everything I am because you will survive and you will come out stronger and ready to take on the world, though you'll be merely a high schooler.
And I know there'll be more pain, more things to tackle as the years progress, but honey, I know I can make it through, we can make it through. Never doubt that my dear.
Love, the young woman you will become.
Stay safe kiddos
All my love <3<3<3
~Ink
