Tuesday, May 12, 2020
As I said on Day 34 and on my announcements, I took my AP test today. So, naturally, I'm going to talk about my messed up education system and test anxiety!!
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Well number one, I just spent an hour doing four pages of math homework that shouldn't have been due today because I wasn't supposed to have math class today, and without a doubt got most of it wrong because I had to 1) start writing my English essay today at 8 o'clock in the morning (I may copy and paste it in here once I'm done), 2) present a project I did for my design unit in what's basically stage crew but as an actual class, and 3) TAKE AN ACTUAL AP EXAM LIKE GUYS THAT'S A COLLEGE LEVEL COURSE I JUST SAVED MYSELF AT LEAST A COUPLE THOUSAND DOLLARS OF COLLEGE DEBT (if I passed that is)!!
So yeah, congrats America's educational system. I took a college level class for like, less than a hundred dollars total? Most of which was the payment for taking the exam? Instead of taking it as a college student barely making it by and costing me thousands of dollars. So yee yee motherlovers, I put myself through a year of a college level class and that stress as a young child just to save me money in the future.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, do you know how much stress I go through every day? Studies have shown that high school students, on average, have the same anxiety levels as insane asylum inmates from the 1950s. INSANE ASYLUMS. FROM THE 1950S. THE SAME LEVELS OF ANXIETY. AS HIGH SCHOOLERS. IN THE 2010+s. (Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-files/200804/how-big-problem-is-anxiety )
Yeah, I'm not joking. Go look at the website. It's not good.
ALSO ALSO, standardized testing! Like, why??
"Let us measure students based on average knowledge, not taking into account their quality of education, home life, mental illnesses, mental disabilities, disabilities in general, different ways and methods of learning and retaining information, internal struggles, belief systems, and creativity among other things!"
Let me tell you a thing. Tests, more importantly standardized tests always scare me. Why? Because they test what you've memorized. They test what you can remember, not how you apply the knowledge you've learned. They test how well they've brainwashed you and pressured you into fitting the mold.
And the pressure they build, oh my gods. Ever since I was a first grader, it was test this and test that, you're a smart kid you should understand this! You know how that grows with you, making you think you must keep reaching and reaching, grow up faster and understand faster because you're smart, you should understand this.
Kindergarten to fifth grade: straight A student.
I knew if I got below a B my parents would start taking my books and tutor me (test me over and over again until I got it), so I did what was expected of me. Never learned to study because the homework and memorization was all I needed.
Middle School: Straight As.
Six grade: procrastination, self destructive life choices, and rebellion because I made it through all the other grades without it affecting my social time, why should this be any different? Yeah, cutting into your sleep time to spend three hours on math homework and going behind your parents back, totally healthy.
Seventh grade: got my life in order, got better friends, stayed in my room more so I could do my homework, struggled in LA a bit but always got that A at the end so I'll be fine. Still haven't learned to study.
Eighth grade: mostly self discovery, Lit teacher gave me my first C for the last quarter but I had already given up with her because she hated everyone, began to learn to study. Gave up with the education system.
High school as far: As in everything except for math which is currently a B but I'm okay with that.
The problem is, I've been conditioned from a very young age to go "I'm smart, therefore I have to mature faster and grow up quicker to keep up being smart" when what I'm really do
I've just given up caring until it's a test, then I'm stressed and worried and basically putting my education ahead of my health because if I die then I die and I don't have to deal with this. And if I don't die, I'll land in the top percentile and be a great student.
Don't even get me started on the school shootings. When I was a middle schooler I always thought "oh, it's only high schools that get shot up."
I'm a high schooler.
My town has three high schools in it.
One had a shooter at it during school in second quarter.
I found out because some people in my gym class were checking their Snapchat and Instagram when they saw their friends at that school saying there was a shooting there.
Not from a teacher. Not from a principal. Not from a single adult. I, and every other student in the school, heard it from either a social media platform straight from a friend or from someone who had seen it on a social media from a friend. Not a single adult at my school told us until the day after.
But you know what? I couldn't even be bothered to be scared for more than three days because yeah it could be me but to be honest, no one but us students and a bunch of teachers care. Not the government that has such lax gun laws. Not the NRA. Unless I die in a school shooting, I won't matter, and even then I'll just be a statistic.
So yeah.
My education system 1) makes it so taking a college level class during high school is less costly than in the actual college course in actual college, 2) puts me and other students through the same stress as insane asylum patients from the 1950s, 3) forces us into boxes via standardized testing, 4) pushed us into unhealthy mental states, and 5) conditioned us to know that we could be in a school shooting and truthfully, we'll be pitied and then forgotten.
And I wonder why I want a therapist. Why I dislike loud noises. Why I hate people raising their voices. Why I have issues with school. I truly wonder why...
Stay safe kiddos, hopefully y'all are doing better than me!
I love each and every one of you <3<3<3
~Ink
