Tuesday, June 23, 2020
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Pride Day 23: long term goals
• live past my thirtieth birthday
• be renting an apartment I'm happy with and not in a 'I'm settling for this' way by the time I'm thirty
• publish at least one book before I die
~~~
Sometimes I wonder who I am.
I'm a panromantic asexual, possibly a demi female, and a fanfic writer, to label a few things.
Guess how much of that my parents know about? Zero, 0, none of the above.
And who am I, really? What am I?
Which part of me is the lie and which is the truth? Which is the fake, the mask, and which is the truth, the real one?
Is that the real me, or am I in another mask? Am I doing it because I want to, or because I've been conditioned to do that, or am I doing to because I'm expected to do that?
Where does society's expectations and conditioning end and the real me begin? Is there even a real me? Is there anything underneath the layers and layers masks that coat everything about me, from my body language to the way I talk to my interests to my personality to how passionate I am about things? Is there a me left once you strip away the masks away?
Am I really ace? Or I am just internalizing what I want to be? Am I really who I seem to be, or is that just me pretending to be what I think people want to see?
I write romantic love so well, why would I do that if I'm ace? Why do I yearn for someone to love me, to cuddle me and hold me, to want to be around me all the time, just without kissing or sex or stuff like that? Is that a friendship or is that a romantic relationship without it being a sexual relationship? And who would want that with me? Isn't kissing considered part of a romantic relationship?
I wish I could just be open about this, could just spill this to my family. Could just tell them everything, how I feel like the way they glance/want to know what's on my screen makes me so paranoid, because yes there's nothing bad there but I don't want you to see that anyway because that's my business not yours! And yeah you're my parents, you made me and raised me and bought my phone but that doesn't mean you get to scroll through my messages and google history and tabs open on my phone.
I wish I could just shed these layers and be open about who I am, so maybe I could see who I really am.
Maybe I could find out who I really am.
Maybe I could discover what I actually care about.
Maybe I could reawaken my emotional connections.
Maybe I could banish my apathy.
Stay safe kiddos, make sure to have some water right now.
I love you all <3<3<3<3
~Ink
