Saturday, May 9, 2020
Sometimes I feel so out of place, out of the loop.
I had a sheltered life, I don't have the same experiences as everyone else that I long for.
I don't get references everyone else gets.
I'm awkward.
I have a loud voice.
I laugh too much.
I don't have the same abilities as others.
I can't stay up late like my friends.
I had to do a zoom call secretly just so I could stay up late with my friends like the rest. And yeah they were super nice about it, but I wish I could have laughed and talked with them instead of communicating via chat.
I just feel so out of place.
Like I could disappear and no one would notice.
Because really, I could.
Everyone who's ever known me would mourn me for a month at most and then move on. I was never that impactful. I have replacements waiting in the wings.
The song above describes this perfectly.
I'm not important, I'm not worth something.
I'm just that small, awkward, quiet kid who's too smart and mentally hurt for her own good.
And if I died, who would even notice?
My parents? Yeah sure, one less angsty teenager in the house who has no opinion and prefers her room and phone to family time.
My sibling? Yeah right, now she'll be the one in the spotlight and the one everyone likes with no competition.
My friends? Sure, for a bit, until they move on and find better friends than what I could be.
The people following me and reading this? Maybe? Idk, probably not for long. I'm just another sad teen who escaped, nothing new about that.
I would simply become a statistic, nothing more and nothing less. Not many would remember me and even less care.
And sometimes I want to go out with a bang, but other times I want to slip away knowing everyone will be fine because they wouldn't remember me after ten years and I don't know how to feel about that.
Just to have it down on paper/electronic page, if I die while this account is still active I want 1) the next draft in my main Sanders sides book published with the note at the end that it isn't finished because [my real name] is dead And how it happened, 2) I want a new chapter of this published with the simple note of "[my real name] is dead, and she died because of [how I died]", and 3) I want an announcement made on my message board consisting of my real name, how I died, and that I'm dead.
Cool.
Idk, I need that out there in case of an untimely demise.
Gods I should talk to a therapist.
Stay safe kiddos, the indoors is still safer than the outside world.
Even if you never care, I still love you all <3<3
~Ink
