Sunday, August 16, 2020
~~~
Right, so I wrote most of this at like, 2pm today just to vent before I started crying or did something I'd regret. Just... letting y'all know.
Basis: my friend A is having a sleepover at her house with me, K, L, and M.
***
I understand that due to my dad's heightened risk and the fact that he's the boss of a small business means that if he got Covid that puts his business and all his workers' at risk of losing their jobs and I understand that my sister has a history of asthma so she's at risk as well and I understand that me complaining is seriously selfish, but when I hear through a twenty minute conversation that me having a sleepover with people I've only seen through a screen and once in person wouldn't happen, I can't help but feel angry.
I know that going to work is different, that they have to go, that they don't have a choice to keep us alive, but still. My mom gets to go to work. My dad gets to go to work and gets to go out shooting at a range with his friends.
Me and my sister? Nothing.
She's seen her friends only a handful of times through a screen and a guy friend once in person. She's worse off than me.
And I know that I'm better off than her, if only by a little. But I can't help but ache to scream and rage at the unfairness of this. That I'm shackled by both my government that refuses to protect it's citizens and by my relation to people who are at a heightened risk. That I can't just be around people I love for a night, to laugh more than I have in weeks and smile more than I have in weeks and just enjoy myself more than I have in weeks.
But that's my life.
And I have to abide by its restrictions.
***
Okay end of vent.
As of right now, my parents are thinking about letting me hang out with them until 8 to 9pm then picking me up. So I'd be hanging out with them, but I wouldn't be sleeping over. A's okay with this, I just need my parents to say yes.
And I know I'm being very selfish right now and self centered, but I just can't help it. It's been six months. My only face to face interactions with people I care about has been my parents, sister, four meetings (socially distant) with my closest grandparents, one meeting with a family we're all friends with, and one meeting with three friends. Most of the outside contacts were back in March/April/May. I just.... I need my friends.
I was on a rocky relationship with my family before this, and it's only gotten worse, bit by bit, during this. The only place I feel safe, I feel in control is my bedroom, and even that isn't free from the demands of everyone else.
Today I literally squished myself into a couple inches over foot wide area just to keep me from feeling too out of the open in my own goddamn room. I'm tempted to clean out the area behind my giant chair and move it forward a couple inches so I can crawl behind it and hide from the world. It's got to be about three feet by three feet back there and I want to hide there.
Hell, I bet if after I got all my writing for the week done, if I cleaned my closet I could hide in there and have an outlet. Small, dark, and no way of anyone knowing where the hell I am plus I get the glory of being a literal metaphor.
Stay safe kiddos and make sure to take any medication you need to take!
All my love <3<3<3
~Ink
