Tuesday, April 28, 2020
Some days I wake up and I know it's going to be a bad day.
I'm emotionally numb, I'm not quite there, not like I usually am. I've described it to @apprenticelucy as when you feel like you see your body, but you yourself are above and to be the left of it. You control the body, can talk like normally, but you don't feel there. And it's terrifying.
I feel distant, like my emotions have all been dulled. All I feel is empty inside, but I can't work up the will to care or try to dispel the numbness.
Usually I just try pretend to be the same and go about my day. It doesn't really work well, as I'm more prone to just scroll through Pinterest mindlessly instead of working on things I really need to work on! The only things that help ground me take time, and when school is being the soul-crushing thing it's become the norm to just go through the motions while desperately trying to keep up with deadlines and fight to reconnect with my body.
I don't know what the correct term for the feeling is and honestly, right now, I can't do anything about it so I don't care.
I take it one day at a time, beating myself up over writing deadlines but not doing a thing to actually help the stress because I'm too tired, laughing sadly at schoolwork and bs-ing my way through it because I could have been doing this last week but did I? No.
At this point I half want to shut down everything and hide from everything and everyone. But on the other hand, I also want to run away and live on my own, be my own person and finally know it feels like to not have to hide my writings.
Right now I'm leaning towards the shut down everything but I can't do that because yes it stresses me but it also is comforting and I see such nice comments sometimes and really that makes it all worth it.
But it would be so nice, to just stop
Stop feeling
Stop interacting
Stop being pressured
Stop hurting
Stop breathing
Stop living
Stop forcing myself onwards to a goal that feels impossible
But then Breathin', Thomas Sanders' cover, comes on
And I guess I'll keep breathing, keeping going, keep moving towards that endgame.
Incredible what a little bit of numb can do to a person, no?
It's seductive, the feeling of not feeling. It whispers that it's better, that nothing can harm you now. And it's right, short term. You son't feel anything, you aren't as hurt by others.
But long term you start to become numb more frequently, stop caring, become apathetic to everything. And that's no way to live, for life is that dance of everything, of joy and sorrow and pain and love and everything in between.
Stay safe and sane kiddos,
Never doubt that I love you all <3<3<3
~Ink
