Sunday, August 2, 2020
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Ayyyy so my brunch went super well!!
We only intended to do brunch at a little shop, but my friend L invited us over at her dad's house (her parents are divorced) so we stayed there for most of the day and I didn't realize how much I missed hanging out with them until I did, and now I'm really tired but very happy.
She actually invited us to have a sleepover, but my parents said no because 1) they don't know L's dad too well and 2) idk coronavirus? They weren't very upfront about it, they said no and that was that.
Anyways, I CLIMBED A ROOF FOR THE FIRST TIME!! AND SAT ON TOP OF IT!!
Was it terrifying? Absolutely.
Do I regret it? Not one bit.
Will my parents ever find out? I hope not, otherwise I may never be allowed to hang out will L and the others ever again.
I have really cool pictures on my phone, maybe if I edit out our faces I'll show you guys tomorrow.
Moving on, once my mom picked me up from L's dad's house, I experience this giant crash of emotions and like, ow.
Because I was riding high on joy and laughter and enjoyment, because I can just be myself around my friends and rant/talk politics, do stupid shit, curse, and just remember all the crazy stuff we've done over the years. But when I left with my mom, it all came crashing down.
Suddenly all my emotions withdrew from their wild chaos and became almost muted.
I just felt so empty, sitting next to my mom, and then later around my family. Because I can't be myself around them, I can't just be chaotic or say things or curse when it adds weight/emotion to my words. I can't tell them I climbed up a roof with my friends, sat up on the top for a while and have pictures to show it. I can't talk about how hot the roof was, how it burned our feet but we did it anyway, how we did it barefoot and in skirts/dresses. I can't say how terrified I was but A and L helped me through it while K was inside grabbing our shoes for when we came back down. I can't tell them how my legs were shaking and I thought I might pass out when I say up there, and I can't tell them how thrilling it was, and how much I want to do it again when it's less burn-your-feet-and-hands.
I can't say any of that.
And it hurts.
Because I'm more at ease with my friends, people I've known for only a couple years, people I haven't seen in person since early March, than my own family, people I've known all my life.
And it shouldn't be like that.
But it is.
And I know that when I go to college? Me and my family, we're going to grow apart. Because they've never been people I can rely on to listen to me and support my choices even if it isn't what they want. That's always been my friends, and I don't even see them all that often!
I din't know, I'm just really sad over not being able to really live.
One day.
Someday.
Stay safe kiddos, and try to eat at least a little something before sleeping!
Love you all <3<3<3<3
~Ink
